Archive for : June, 2017

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Short Joke of the Day | Best Funny Jokes

Short Jokes are nothing but the little experience that tends to make laughter and provide amusement. This also taught us that the balance of flow which controls and makes human healthier. Best Jokes can be amused, smile or laugh at something funny. So, here is the Short Joke of the Day to share with your friends.

Short Joke of the Day

Short Joke of the Day

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Short Jokes | Best Jokes

Short Joke of the Day

Short Joke of the Day

Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it’s also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there’s a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It’s like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.

A very ill guy is slowly dying and he is visiting his doctor.
He asks his doctor for a favour:
-Doctor, coud you please tell everyone i died of a HIV infection?
The doctor respond:
-Well sure i could if that’s what you wish for, but may i ask you why do you have such a strange wish?
The poor guy responds:
-If everyone thinks i died of HIV noone is ever gonna want to sleep with my wife and if anyone did he wont be able to sleep in piece!

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?

It gets jalapeño face!

Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a third dog driving a lorry load of logs.
One turns to the other and says: “He started fetching a stick and built up the business from there.”

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.

He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never 
remember the name.”

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

I was in a conference last week and I think the presenter was a gay. No, not because of his colorful clothes, way of speaking, waving hands laughing habits or because he was French.. He simply had a Mac.

Q: How do you transfer funds even faster than electronic banking?
A: By getting Married!

When my wife said she was leaving me because of my Monkees obsession I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.

Within a few minutes an airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board, but only three parachutes. The first passenger : I am Russel Westbrook, the best basketball player. The Oklahoma city..!!

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”

I read a survey that said 82% of people enjoy being cuddled. But if the people on this bus are any indication, the real figure is, like 0%.

My son asked my how you can tell if someone is an alcoholic.
I said, “Do you see those four trees over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.”
My son said, “But Dad, I only see two.”

My three-year-old daughter stuck out her hand and said, “Look at the fly I killed, Mommy.” Since she was eating a juicy pickle at the time, 
I thrust her contaminated hands under the faucet and washed them with antibacterial soap.
After sitting her down to finish her pickle, I asked, with a touch of awe, “How did you kill that fly all by yourself?”
Between bites, she said, “I hit it with my pickle.”

You May Also Like: Funniest Jokes

Short Joke of the Day

Short Joke of the Day

Short Joke of the Day

Single guys often dream of having a wise, beautiful and caring wife. But married guys think about it even more often.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A: A buccaneer!

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!” A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.'” The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.” The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.” He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!”

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

Knock Knock! Who’s there?
Mikey
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole!

Police arrested two kids yesterday: one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other off.

My wife said she was fed up with me always getting my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. 
The photon replies: ‘No, I’m travelling light.’

Patient: “Hello, Doctor, Doctor, Doctor, help me, help me, help me! When I do something, I repeat it three times, three times, three times. I’m terribly tired, terribly tired, terribly tired. Although my wife is delighted, delighted, delighted.”

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!” She could scream all she wanted to. I was keeping the umbrella.

How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

You May Also Like: Kids Joke of the Day

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Tell me a joke dude

Tell me a joke dude has a collection of hilarious jokes which will make you laugh non-stop. Everyone from kids to adults cannot stop laughing whenever they hear some funny jokes. Such funny jokes are collected and presented here for you. I am sure you are going to laugh like anything. Laughing is such a great thing for human beings to get a lot of health benefits. It’s time for you to get into Tell me a joke dude.

“In my deepest parts of sadness, I’m always making a joke or being sarcastic”.

-Lea Thompson

Tell me a joke dude

Can you tell me a joke dude?

One lie can reduce your life by 5 minute.
One smile can increase your life by 10 minutes.
MORAL: Always lie while laughing.. you will gain 5 minute extra life..

Marriages are made in heaven… truly said… but
Maintenance charges has to be paid in earth..

A man lost his wife in Tsunami..
One drunk night: while standing on the seashore, waves touching on his feet..
He shouted to sea: ‘No matter’ how many times you waves, touch my feet….
I’ll never take her back…!! It is your mistake – Deal with it now!

He Meets an Accident with his new Mercedes.
Him while crying: Officer! See what happened with my luxury car!!
Police: You’re Such materialistic. You Even haven’t noticed that your right leg has been cut off.
He looks at his right leg and yells – Oh No My Nike shoes..

Guy: Will you be my girl? Girl: Excuse me! Him: Listen to me. I’m rich. She: Oh hi I’m Sara, 20 yrs old. Him: Hi Beauty, My name is Rich, 22 yrs old, single!!

Just had the following conversation in court.

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: Thanks, I’m outta here.

Cool, Tell me a joke dude of another kind

My doctor told me today I need to watch my drinking. I now drink in front of a mirror.

I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym,
“Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?” He smiles says “Try the ATM in the lobby”.

Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Why was the computer tired when he got home?
Because he had a hard drive.

Teacher: What makes you see?
Bobyjack: My eyes, my nose and my ears.
Teacher: True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?
Bobyjack: It’s to hold my glasses!!!

Teacher: Be sure that you go straight home
Student: I can’t, I live just round the corner!

Mother: What did you learn in school today
Son: How to write.
Mother: What did you write?
Son: I don’t know, they haven’t taught us how to read yet!

It’s time to tell me a joke dude of one of a kind

A boy speeding on road.
Guard stops him and ask, “Did you see the speed limit sign?”
The boy says, “Yea, I just didnt see you.”

Teacher: I TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT!!!! DO I HAVE TO SPELL EVERYTHING FOR YOU?!
Student: No I can spell EVERYTHING: E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!

Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing.
Husband: Because the people would think I am beating you.

Stacy: You know Tracy, sometimes I don’t understand life.
Tracy: What do you mean?
Stacy: When we were a younger, we learnt to talk and to walk. At school, we always have to sit down and shut up…

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : “Nothing…? You’ve been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.”
Husband : “I was looking for the expiration date.”

Tell me a joke

You have to tell me a joke dude of some kind

Two neighbors are talking to each other.
First neighbor: Do you know that my dog is so smart, he waits for the newspaper to drop at the doorstep and then delivers it to me?
Second neighbor: Of course, I know that very well.
First neighbor: Really, well then, how?
Second neighbor: My dog came and told me.

Father: Which one do you love more , me or Mommy?
Son: I love you both.
Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to?
Son: Japan.
Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me?
Son: No, I just want to visit Japan.
Father: Very well , lets say I went to France and Mommy went to Japan which country will you go to?
Son: France.
Father: See?
Son: No its just because I have already visited Japan.

Q: What do you do when you throw a clock up in the air
A: Times up!

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back 
in 20 minutes. The woman asked, 
“Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?”

It’s amazing how a person can compliment and insult you at the same time. Recently, when I greeted my coworker, she said, “You look so gorgeous, I didn’t recognize you.”

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Tell me a joke Father

Laughter is the best medicine in the world that cures your mental diseases no matter how worst it is.  Laughing in even a critical situation will make you think better to bring out a solution. Here is the collection of funny jokes and short jokes that will make you laugh like anything. Have a look at Tell me a joke Father. Just get ready to burst out laughing!!

“A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.”

                                                                        – Friedrich Nietzsche

Tell me a joke Father

Can you tell me a joke Father?

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Your mom is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”

Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…

“Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Tell me a joke

Very hilarious, Now tell me a  joke of some other kind

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

Pessimist: “Things just can’t get any worse!”
Optimist: “Nah, of course they can!”

A boy breaks on old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”

I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, “Why didn’t you get me a gift?” the husband says, “You haven’t used the one I got you last year!”

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, “Mother, I’ve got a stomach ache.” “That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied. “You would feel better if you had something in it.” That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, “That’s because it’s empty,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

Teacher: “Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?”
Student: “A heart attack.”

Tell me a joke Father of my style

Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: “Certainly not!”
Assistant: “Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding.”

Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A man tells his wife, “Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago.” The wife yells at him, “Why are you just telling me now?” He said, “Because I couldn’t stop laughing.”

A man called his child’s doctor, “Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?” The doctor replied, “Until I can come over, write with another pen.”

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter “m.”

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?” He texts back, “I Don’t Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.” The mom texts him, “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister, love you too”.

That’s enough, now tell me a joke Father of your style

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, “Son, go get your mother!”.

Son: “Dad, when will I be old enough so I don’t have to ask mom for her permission to go out?”
Dad: “Son, even I haven’t grown old enough to go out without her permission!”

A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, “Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric.” Harry replies, “How about a chair?”

It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, “How was your journey?” The baby mosquito replied, “It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!”

Q: Why didn’t the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his 
first car show. He loved seeing all 
the different models and brands 
and gushed over the big engines, 
the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”

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Funniest Jokes | Jokes of the day | Funny Jokes

Funniest Jokes is appropriate to the joke to which we laugh at. Short jokes and hilarious jokes are given to making amusing jokes or gibe. It may also be arousing or provoking the laughter. At least once in a while, something is good for the physical and mental well-being of humans, so, one of the best solutions is laughing. Such a treatment should be achieved by these types of jokes. These Funniest Jokes which will make you forget your worries.

Funniest Jokes

Funniest Jokes

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funniest Ever | Best Jokes Ever

Funniest Jokes

Funniest Jokes

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, “Sorry, no professionals.”

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Station Master and a Lady Passenger:-

A lady was running to catch a train to Bangalore. She reached the station and was searching for the train.

Passenger: (Asked to the station master) Sir, is this my train?
Station Master: No Madam, this is not your train, it’s railways department’s train.
Passenger: (Annoyed) That’s a good joke. Don’t act too smart. What I meant was, can I take this train to Bangalore?
Station Master: No ma’am, you cannot! This train is so BIG and you can’t take it.
Passenger: Its really funny! Now say me, will this train take me to Bangalore?
Station Master: NO ma’am. The train can’t take you. The train driver will drive it to Bangalore!

The passenger fainted!

Steven Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.'”

“If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?”

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell you, you wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for ‘Best Special Effects.’

Funniest Jokes

Funniest Jokes

Funniest Jokes

A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her,

“How do you put an elephant in the fridge?” The teacher said “I don’t know, how?”
Jacob then said “You open the door and put it in there!”

Then Jacob asked the teacher another question “How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?”
The teacher then replied “Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?”

Jacob said “No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there.”

Then he asked another question…”All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal,
which one was it?” The teacher a bit confused and said “The lion?”

Then the student said “No,the girraffe because he’s still in the fridge.

Then he asked her just one more question….”If there is a river full of alligators
and you wanted to get across it,how would you” The teacher then says “You would walk over the bridge.

” Then Jacob says “No, you would swim across because all the alligators are at the lions birthday party!

” She laughs and walks away.

“Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That’s a high price to pay for a shag. In real life you’d be hard pushed to find one virgin. It begs the question: what on earth do they all look like? That’s a lot of hairy women.”

If the koreans cannot do it, they will tell you that they won do it.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

There is a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man on a plane that is too heavy to fly and they are about to crash. They each have to throw something off the plane to save them from crashing. The black man throws out his Jordan shoes and says, “We have too many in our country.” The Mexican tosses out his lawn mower and says, “We have too many in our country.” The white man puts his item down, grabs the Mexican, throws him out the window and says, “We have too many in our country.”

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

“I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame ’cause halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”

He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ‘ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.

Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he’s going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media’s talking about is emails.

It’s like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration.

Q: What are a woman’s four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

 A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?” He replies, “Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, “How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?” “No,” she replies, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

Hope you enjoyed the Funniest Jokes posted here Tell Me A Joke.

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Kids Joke of the Day | Short & Cute Jokes

Kids Joke of the Day: The joke is nothing but the thrilling matter and something that not to be taken seriously. Kids hear jokes from elder ones in a home such as a grandmother, grandfather, mother, father, and others. They also share with their friends and laugh out loud. Here is some Kids Joke of the Day which makes the kids more pleasant and enjoys the day with these short funny jokes.

Kids Joke of the Day

Kids Joke of the Day

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Kid’s Jokes

Kids Joke of the Day

Kids Joke of the Day

I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter said, “You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”

Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide!
🙂

How do you make a tissue dance?… Put a little boogey in it!

Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you !

What does Tarzan sing at Christmas? — Jungle Bells.

A snake kid asks his mom, “Mom, are we poisonous?” His mother says, “Why do you want to know?” The snake kid says, “because I just bit my tongue.”

Will you remember me in 2 minutes? Yes. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hey, you didn’t remember me!

Pedro: What does Santa say at the start of a race?
Pee Wee: I don’t know.
Pedro: “Ready, set, Ho! Ho! Ho!”

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn’t measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, “we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long”.

Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?
A: He couldn’t fit in the elevator

Q: Why were the ink spots crying?
A: Because their mother was in the pen and they didn’t know how long the sentence would be.

what’s the difference between a teacher and a book?
You can shut a book up.

What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around and I’ll go on ahead.

What’s did one tomato say to the other tomato?
You go ahead and I’ll ketchup.

Were the 3 that my ds loved at 4.

Kids Joke of the Day

Kids Joke of the Day

Q: Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
A: They kept saying Bach, Bach!

Q: Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
A: Because she broke the record!

Q: What type of music are balloons scared of?
A: Pop music!

Knock knock
Who’s there
Boo
Boo who?
I didn’t mean to make you cry! It’s just me!

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Kids Joke of the Day

Kids Joke of the Day

Kids Joke of the Day

Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Ice Cream!
Ice Cream who?
Ice Cream if you don’t let me in!

Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?

Clerk: No, ma’am. You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

Oh Grandma! A dying grandma tells her grandchild, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.” The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?” With her last breath, Grandma whispered, “Facebook…”

Q: What animal can jump higher than a house?
A: Any animal — a house can’t jump.

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, but the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”

“I’m lost,” says the man, “and I need the cat to give me directions home.”

Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame bird?
A: The tame way, unique up on it!

Q: What are the strongest creatures in the ocean?
A: Mussels.

Q: Why are pianos hard to open?
A: The keys are inside.

Two Grandchildren
I had to take my two grandchildren, Saige, 5 and Mason, 6, with me to the grocery store. Typically, they are not very well behaved shopping. So, I had a plan! The grocery store had shopping carts that looked like little race cars for children, including two steering wheels. I put them in the cart and said “Okay, let’s pretend you’re driving this car. I want you to keep both your hands on your wheel at all times, and don’t take your eyes off the road.” Everything was going very well as we progressed through the aisles. At one point, however, I stopped for a minute to read a label on a product. I glanced back at the cart and Saige was poking Mason’s arm with her fingers. I said “Saige, Nana told you to keep your hands on the wheel at all times!” She replied, “Yes, but now we’re stopped at a red light, and I have to text!”

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A Gummy Bear!
She was so in love with this one she told it to all the characters at Disney world 🙂

This year even the toys are stressed out! — Yeah, they came already wound up..

When asked about his job, Frosty always replies, “There’s no business like snow business.”

What did the bottle of dressing say to the person who opened the refrigerator door?… “SHUT THE DOOR!” I’m dressing!

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Non Veg Jokes in Hindi for WhatsApp

Non Veg Jokes: Adult jokes or dirty jokes or vulgar jokes or sexy jokes which are aimed at humor or laughter are referred to as “non-veg jokes”. WhatsApp is the famous technology in which we share lots of short jokes and others with friends and families and lovers. So, here is the Non-Veg Jokes in Hindi for WhatsApp to keep updated.

Non Veg Jokes in Hindi for WhatsApp

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Non-Veg Jokes In Hindi

Non Veg Jokes in Hindi for WhatsApp

Non Veg Jokes in Hindi for WhatsApp

*”डॉक्टर साहब, ड्रिंक तो कर सकते हैं ना ???”*

डॉक्टर साहब का दिल पिघल गया।

*उन्होने संता को 2 पैग की इजाज़त दे दी।*

अगले दिन संता 2 पैग के बाद तीसरा पैग डालने लगा तो बंता बोल पड़ा :-

*”ये क्या??? तीसरा कैसे???”*

*संता:- “दो पैग की पर्ची मैंने दूसरे डॉक्टर से भी ली है…!!!”*

😃😃😃😜😜😜🥃🥃🥃

एक बार एक गाँव में नसबन्दी शिविर चल रहा था, लोगों को जबरन पकड़-पकड़ कर नसबन्दी की जा रही थी, ऐसे में एक झोपड़े में जब कर्मचारी पहुँचे तो उन्हें वहाँ एक अधेड़ व्यक्ति मिला। उन्होंने उसे भी पकड़ लिया और जबरन नसबन्दी कराने ले चले। उसने कहा कि “भाई मेरी नसबन्दी हो चुकी है…” लेकिन कर्मचारी फ़िर भी नहीं माने तब वह भड़क कर बोला… “साले… लाइन तो पहले ही काट चुके हो, अब क्या मीटर भी उखाड़कर ले जाओगे?”

करीना को लड़का होने पर सब करीना को बधाई दे रहे हैं… उसे कोई नहीं दे रहा जिसके बुढापे में घुटने छिल गए।

एक सर्वे के अनुसार  Missed Call दूसरी सबसे ज्यादा मारी जाने वाली चीज़ है, गां* तीसरे नंबर पे और मुठ्ठ अभी भी पहले नंबर पे है।।। 😂😝😝😝😂😂😝

मेहमान: बेटा, नाम क्या है आपका?
पप्पू: जी पप्पू।
मेहमान: ये तो घर का नाम है। वो बताओ जो तुम्हें स्कूल में कहकर बुलाते हैं?
पप्पू: ओय, पप्पू बहन के लौड़े।

पति पत्नी रात को सो रहे थे

तभी पति सेक्सी आवाज में बोला

पति – जानू मुझे नींद नहीं आ रही है

पत्नी – तो बर्तन साफ़ कर दो

पति – अरे नींद में ही बोल रहा हूँ पगली 🙂😉

कल मेरी गर्लफ्रेंड बोली मेरा पेट बढ़ने लगा है।
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
नॉन-वेज छोड़ना पड़ेगा।
डरा दिया कमीनी ने।

​*Life*  जितनी *Hard* होगी
आप उतने ही *Strong*बनोगे
आप जितने *Strong* बनोगे
*Life* उतनी ही *Easy* लगेगी👍💐

सरदार का सर फट गया।

डॉक्टर:- ये कैसे हुआ?

सरदार:-
मैं ईंट से पत्थर तोड़ रहा था।
एक आदमी ने मुझसे कहा, “कभी खोपड़ी का इस्तेमाल भी कर लिया कर।”

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Non Veg Jokes in Hindi for WhatsApp

Non Veg Jokes in Hindi for WhatsApp

Non Veg Jokes in Hindi for WhatsApp

एक बार एक हरियाणवी ताऊ ने एक ताई छेड़ दी. ताई ताऊ को गाली देने लगी.. पास से एक लड़का गुजर रहा था बोला क्या बात हो गयी ताऊजी। ताऊ- कुछ न बेटा, पुरान ट्रांसफार्मर है… चरड चरड कर रहा है। …

बीवी के कुछ दिनों से मायके में होने की वजह से पप्पू को कुछ करने का मन हुआ। बस फिर क्या था वो कोठे पे चला गया। वहां दलाल ने सभी कॉलगर्ल्स के नाम कारों के नामों पर रखे हुए थे। दलाल: कौन सी चाहिए? “हौंडा सिविक 10000 रुपये में, फोर्ड फिगो 8000 में, हुंडई i10, 6000 में, मारुती आल्टो 4000 में और टाटा नैनो सिर्फ 500 में।” पप्पू ने काम ही चलाना था तो उसने पैसे बचाने के लिए बोला, “नैनो ही दिला दो।” दलाल थोड़ी देर के बाद एक हिजड़े को लेकर आ गया। हिजड़े को देखते ही पप्पू गुस्से से लाल पीला होता हुआ बोला, “अबे साले ये क्या है?” दलाल मुस्कुराते हुए बोला, “सर नैनो का इंजन कहां होता है… पीछे तो फिर…”

ये तमाम चूरन – चटनी हाजमोला जैसी गोलियों का करोङों रुपये का कारोबार केवल इसी बिन्दु पर तो निर्भर है कि जनता ठीक से पादती रहे ….?

लड़की- दुआ करो मैं फेल हो जाऊं
दोस्त क्यों- अब्बू ने कहा है
फस्ट आई तो लैपटॉप
सेकेंड आई तो मोबाइल
और फेल हो गई तो शादी करवा दूंगा.

GFजानू आज कटप्पा बन जाओ नाBFमतलबGFमतलब यह कि.
:पीछे से मारो ना 

पिंड दी सरदारनी अपने सरदार नू :
सरदार जी आज मकडोनाल्ड चलिए.?

सरदार –
स्पेलिंग दस दे.. फेर चलेंगे..

सरदारनी: फेर KFC चलदे हाँ…
सरदार- KFC दी फुल फॉर्म बोल फेर चलदे हां.

सरदारनी – रहन दे कुत्तेया
कुलचे छोले ही खवा दे.. !

फ्रेंड के साथ करो या गर्ल फ्रेंड के साथ
रूम में करो या बेडरूम में
बेड पर करो या फिर सोफे पर
दिन में करो या फिर रात में
ग्राउंड में करो या फिर गार्डेन में
आखिर कामयाबी के लिए पढ़ाई तो करनी ही पडेगी.

शादी के दो दिन बाद दुल्हा,
जहाँ उसकी पत्नी को दुल्हन बनाया गया था उस ब्यूटी पार्लर पर गया और पार्लर वाली मैडम को आयफोन 7 का डिब्बा खुबसूरत पैकिंग में तोहफे के तौर पर दिया…
मैडम ने शुक्रिया अदा किया और ख़ुशी ख़ुशी डिब्बे को खोला तो अंदर से नोकिया 1100 निकला जिसके निचे चिट्ठी रखी हुई थी जिसपर लिखा था

ओबामा (लालू से) – लालू! तुझे
स्विमिंग आती है?
लालू- ना रे !
ओबामा – शिट्ट, तेरे से
तो कुत्ता अच्छा है जो स्विम
कर लेता है।
लालू – तुमको आता है
स्विमिंगवा?
ओबामा – या! ऑफ कोर्स
आता है।
लालू – ससुरा, फिर तोहरे और
कुत्ता में फरक का है बे!!!
😳..😜😝😄

आज से पेश है एस एम एस का बाप सीरीज के जोक्स तो रोज साईट विजीट करे और अच्छे लगे तो शेयर करना ना भूलें

मुन्ना भाई:- अपुन को कैसी पता चलेगा की ये बकराहै या बकरी ?”
सरकिट:- ” सिंपल है भाई , पत्‍थर मार कर देखो , अगर भगा तो बकरा और अगर भागी तो बकरी.

मुझे 13 दिन की छुट्टी मिल
जाएगी..”
😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

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Funny Short Jokes | One Liner Funny Jokes

Funny Short Jokes: In some situation, it’s much risk to start the interaction and make a joke about the person. Funny Short Joke is nothing but the funny story that you tell to people to make them sit and laugh at it. Some people won’t laugh at silly jokes and these hilarious funny jokes are those people to laugh out loud. So, here are the Funny Short Jokes to make everyone happy.

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

Groom: People ask me why I left a bachelor to be with this girl. Well, look at her. She’s wealthy and dying..

Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets… then it hit me.

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Interviewee: Tell me, why did you leave your previous job?”
Interviewer: The company relocated and they did not inform me where!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

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Funny Jokes Most Hilarious

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

If you wet your feet your throat will reject. If you ‘wet’ your throat your feet will reject.

Teacher: Name some countries?
Australian Kid: Australia..
Teacher: That is it?
Kid: Yes.
Teacher: Aren’t Africa, UK, US, India, Singapore, Europe countries?
Kid: Nope, They are not country, they are Foreign countries..

Q: What do you call a woman who will gives head for a pair of Jimmy Choos?
A: Head Over Heels

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat. The bartender says “Hey pirate, what’s with the paper towel?” The pirate replied “Arr, I got a bounty on me head!”

I’m starting a club to capitalize on Hipsters. its 10 dollars not to join.

My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother.
It fell seconds after where she had been sitting. That darned clock always was slow.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Wars require strategy and logic.

I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight.
So as an adult I had to step in. They didn’t stand a chance.

I didn’t sleep very good last night.
So this morning I put Monster energy drinks in my coffee… I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.

More Funny Jokes:

Really Funny Jokes – Crazy Fun Jokes

Funny Jokes of the day

Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Jokes in English

Funny Jokes in Tamil

Funny Jokes in Hindi

Funny Jokes in Punjabi

Funny Jokes in Telugu

Hope you enjoyed the Funny Short Jokes posted here Tell me a joke.

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Hilarious Joke of the Day | Short and Funny

Hilarious Joke of the Day is nothing but the extremely funny and causing a lot of laughter. It describes a high degree of humor and things that are funny can cause you to smile, but when something is hilarious and causes you to laugh out loud. Hilarious jokes can also be used arrogantly when something isn’t funny at all. So, here is the Hilarious Joke of the Day to make you laugh out loud.

Hilarious Joke of the Day

Hilarious Joke of the Day

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Laugh Out Loud

Hilarious Joke of the Day

Hilarious Joke of the Day

A boy met a girl, after a little conversation,the boy
wanted to leave,then he said to the girl
Boy: Sorry, I didn’t get your name.
Girl: OK. I’m Dike Sandra Thelma Vera, u can call me (DSTV) in short if you like, and you?
Boy: (I no fit carry )well, I’m Godwin Obinna Tochukwu Victor, feel free to call me(GOTV).
# Lolzzz … If it was u, what funny fake name will you give?… Mine will be Lawrince Francis Chinonso (LFC). Hw ur day?Add urs…

A church puts out a wanted ad for somebody to ring their bell each day. A man with no arms replies to the want ad. The priest asks him “How can you ring a bell with no arms?”
The man runs into the bell face first and the bell rings loud and beautifully. The priest gives him the job. One day he misses the bell though and falls to his death. The priest and several other people come to the man’s side and one of them says “Who is he?”
The priest replies “I don’t know. But his face sure rings a bell.”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of them stops mid-swing when he sees a long funeral procession on the road by the course. He takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I’ve ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I almost died in Finding Nemo.

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is Asian, one is Mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The Asian walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and jumps off the roof. Next, the Mexican walks to the ledge and also says, “This is for all my people” and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy’s turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and then throws the white guy off the roof.

A guy tells his friend:
– During the Christmas I have left a gift for my girlfriend underneath the Chrsitmas-tree
– And… how did she liked it?
– Don’t know yet. She’s still looking for it as the forest is big, there are many Christmas-trees there…

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

When my wife said she was leaving me because of my Monkees obsession I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

Do not to judge those who drink alone with themselves. Maybe it is an entrepreneur, working with individual performance certificate, at his company Christmas party.

My friend’s mom used to teach 8th Grade English in the local public school system. One day a student cussed her out, so she called his mom. The mom didn’t do anything about it so the kid did it again a few days later.The mom was called again and still she couldn’t care less. A few days later the boy cussed her out again, but this time the teacher called his grandmother.She immediately came to the school, dragged him by the hair to the bathroom, washed his mouth out with soap, and beat his behind. Grandma then said if he does it again then she should call her. That boy never said another swear word in that teacher’s presence again.

Two nuns were driving through a Transylvanian forest when the road was blocked by a fearsome looking vampire.
“What do we do now?” the passenger asked.
“Get out and show him your Cross,” said the nun in the driving seat.
So the nun in the passenger stepped out onto the road, wagged her finger and exclaimed: “Get out of our way, you stupid vampire.”

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Hilarious Joke of the Day

An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.

Hilarious Joke of the Day

Hilarious Joke of the Day

A priest, a minister and a rabbi are discussing when life begins. The priests says, “It begins at conception”. The minister says, “Life begins at 24 weeks gestation”. The rabbi says, “You are both wrong, Life begins when the kids move out of the house and the dog dies.”

My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job. I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.

A dad joke is a painfully awful joke, that is so bad it’s actually embarrassing. These jokes were popularised by fathers, who in an attempt to be funny, failed miserably. Common in speeches, particularly of the 18th and 21st birthday variety.

The wife says “ Honey, please don’t try to speak, you are weak, what are you trying to say even? Is it that you love me? If it’s that important write it down.”

I feel like that was a such a subtle burn that I had to read it a few times to see how you meant it.

Knock Knock.

Who’s There?

To.

To Who?

It’s To Whom.

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

In a marriage ceremony:
– Do you agree to take this woman as your wife?
– No
– What about this one then?

A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.

Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum.

I’ve got some cream for that.

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it’s also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there’s a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It’s like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

Sean: Knock, knock.
Fawn: Who’s there?
Sean: Murray.
Fawn: Murray who?
Sean: Murray Christmas, one and all!

Two cows are sitting in a field, and one says to the other, “so, how about that mad cow disease? Scary stuff, right?” To which to other replies, “terrifying. But what do I care? I’m a helicopter.”

Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
A: Because they might peel!

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?” He replies, “Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, “How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?” “No,” she replies, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

When I was a child, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out the police call this “identity theft.”

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I need a Funny Joke – Funniest Jokes

Funny Joke is nothing but the arousing or provoking the laughter. It is an enjoyable distraction from any serious task and diverting the mind or contributing an extra dimension to it. Funny Jokes may be a short term experience which often incredible and aimless. So, here is the jokes under “I need a Funny Joke” to laugh out more.

I need a Funny Joke

I need a Funny Joke

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funny Jokes

I need a Funny Joke

I need a Funny Joke

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, “We have reached your destination”. The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said “Thank you”. The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked “What was that for?”. The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, “We are family, even though you’re fatter than me.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

‘My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?’ “I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” ‘

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you… Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. “It is really quite simple,” they said. “We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.”

Q: Did you hear about that new broom?

A: It’s sweeping the nation!

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I need a Funny Joke

I need a Funny Joke

I need a Funny Joke

Q: Why did the blonde keep doing the backstroke?
A: She just had lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach.

It is only in Nigeria where you’ll see a notice board that says, “Job Vacancy: Man wanted with 40 years experience of work. He must be less than 25 years of age.”

A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”

The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh.” The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got a detention after asking which end!

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’ I asked.  ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

There is a blonde, brunette, and a red head running away from a bad guy and they decide to hide in a barn. They all quickly find hiding spots. The red head hides behind a cow, the brunette hides behind a horse, and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes.
The bad guy comes in and when he passes the cow the red head says “Moo!”. When he passes the horse the brunette says “Nay!” Finally he comes to the potatoes and the blonde says “PO-TA-TOE!”

Knock, knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.”

“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean…!

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store.

She asks him, “Can you go down to the grocery store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says, “Why in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk?”

He responded, “They had eggs.”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

After many years, a prisoner is finally released.
He runs around yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!”
A little kid walks up to him and says, “So what? I’m 4.”

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – “Get me a coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”

“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”

The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”
“No.” replied the CEO indignantly.

“Good!” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

A snake kid asks his mom, “Mom, are we poisonous?” His mother says, “Why do you want to know?” The snake kid says, “because I just bit my tongue.”

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

“I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’ A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’ And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’ I said ‘Alright, I’ll wait.'”

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More Funny Jokes:

Really Funny Jokes – Crazy Fun Jokes

Funny Jokes of the day

Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Jokes in English

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Joke of Today – Funny Hilarious Jokes

Joke of Today: The joke is defined as the thing which someone causes to the amusement and laugh out loud and a story with a funny punchline which makes everyone to laugh at it. It’s also nothing but something that said or done to make others laugh at it. So, here is the Joke of Today which makes everyone to forget their worries and laugh at it.

Joke of Today

Joke of Today

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Jokes to Forget worries

Joke of Today

Joke of Today

Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A: Snowballs.

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.”
“My goodness,” he says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual…A person who speaks three languages is trilingual…A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.

O’Connell was staggering home with a small bottle in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.

I recently went out with my girlfriend. I decided she was going to be the designated driver but I did not bother to tell her about my decision. I just went ahead and got crazy sloppy — ’cause actions speak louder than gibberish.

A man goes to the doctor and says: ‘Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.’ The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.

The man asks: ‘Is it serious, doctor?’ and the doctor replies: ‘I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.’

Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.

After a weekend vacation, the seargent got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time. It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage.

He decided to summon each of them to his office and get an explanation.

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

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Joke of Today

Joke of Today

Joke of Today

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He’d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?” “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,” said Bob. “Good Lord,” said David, “you haven’t got a chance of hitting her from here.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What?, Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy! “

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone’s attention “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?” “What’s he look like?”, asks one shoddy-looking cowboy. “Well”, replies the Sheriff. “He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.”. “So what’s he wanted for?”, asks the same cowboy. “Rustlin’.”.

“Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’ too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack sh*t?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says ‘You dont know Jack sh*t’. Well thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack sh*t is the only son of Awe sh*t, who married O’ sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep in sh*t Inc. In turn Jack sh*t married No sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy sh*t, Giva sh*t, Fulla sh*t, Bull sh*t, and the twins Deep sh*t and Dip sh*t. Deep sh*t married Dumb sh*t, a High School drop out. After 15 years, Jack and No sh*t got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became No sh*t Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip sh*t married sh*t Happens. Bull sh*t travelled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa sh*t. So tell me now you don’t know Jack sh*t!!!

A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about all their ailments…
“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee” said one.
“Yes, I know” said another. “And my cataracts are so bad that I can’t even see my coffee”.
“I can’t even write a shopping list, my hands are so crippled” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you!” said one elderly lady.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills and statins make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am and where I’m going,” said another.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings” said one cheerfully…. “Thank God we can all still drive.”

A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said:

“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”

A brunette, redhead and blonde were travelling along a previously unexplored country road when they came across a restaurant stuck out in the middle of nowhere. They stopped for a meal, and after lunch they decided to visit the ladies room. There they found a strange looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, “Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!”. The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said “I think I’m the most talented of us three” and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, “I think…” and was promptly sucked into the mirror..

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“I know” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

Bloke in the Olympic village sees this guy with a long steel pole in his hands and asks him “Are you a Pole Vaulter”
Yer man answers, “No I’m a German, and how did you know my name is Vaulter”
LOLEmbarrassed

A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”

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