Joke of Today – Funny Hilarious Jokes
Posted on: June 8, 2017 /
Joke of Today: The joke is defined as the thing which someone causes to the amusement and laugh out loud and a story with a funny punchline which makes everyone to laugh at it. It’s also nothing but something that said or done to make others laugh at it. So, here is the Joke of Today which makes everyone to forget their worries and laugh at it.
Joke of Today
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Jokes to Forget worries
Joke of Today
Q: What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”
She says, “Bernie, I want a divorce.”
“My goodness,” he says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.”
The husband says he can’t feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can’t feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual…A person who speaks three languages is trilingual…A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
O’Connell was staggering home with a small bottle in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. “Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”
In a bakery:
Man to the shop assistant: “I’ll have that thing there, please.”
Shop assistant: “Cupcake?”
Man: “OK, Cupcake, I’ll have that thing there, please.”
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
Definition of a Lawyer: A person who puts two men into a fight and runs off with their clothes.
I recently went out with my girlfriend. I decided she was going to be the designated driver but I did not bother to tell her about my decision. I just went ahead and got crazy sloppy — ’cause actions speak louder than gibberish.
A man goes to the doctor and says: ‘Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom.’ The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him.
The man asks: ‘Is it serious, doctor?’ and the doctor replies: ‘I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.’
Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.
After a weekend vacation, the seargent got to the military base only to find out that none of his soldiers made it on time. It took 3 hours before they started showing up. By then he was about to explode with rage.
He decided to summon each of them to his office and get an explanation.
Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
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Joke of Today
Joke of Today
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He’d waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, “Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?” “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one,” said Bob. “Good Lord,” said David, “you haven’t got a chance of hitting her from here.”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What?, Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy! “
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone’s attention “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?” “What’s he look like?”, asks one shoddy-looking cowboy. “Well”, replies the Sheriff. “He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.”. “So what’s he wanted for?”, asks the same cowboy. “Rustlin’.”.
“Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin’ and a groanin’ too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
For some time, many of us have wondered who is Jack sh*t?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says ‘You dont know Jack sh*t’. Well thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack sh*t is the only son of Awe sh*t, who married O’ sh*t, the owners of Knee Deep in sh*t Inc. In turn Jack sh*t married No sh*t. The couple had six children, Holy sh*t, Giva sh*t, Fulla sh*t, Bull sh*t, and the twins Deep sh*t and Dip sh*t. Deep sh*t married Dumb sh*t, a High School drop out. After 15 years, Jack and No sh*t got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became No sh*t Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip sh*t married sh*t Happens. Bull sh*t travelled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa sh*t. So tell me now you don’t know Jack sh*t!!!
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about all their ailments…
“My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee” said one.
“Yes, I know” said another. “And my cataracts are so bad that I can’t even see my coffee”.
“I can’t even write a shopping list, my hands are so crippled” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you!” said one elderly lady.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills and statins make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am and where I’m going,” said another.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your blessings” said one cheerfully…. “Thank God we can all still drive.”
A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office. The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said:
“Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”
A brunette, redhead and blonde were travelling along a previously unexplored country road when they came across a restaurant stuck out in the middle of nowhere. They stopped for a meal, and after lunch they decided to visit the ladies room. There they found a strange looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, “Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!”. The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, “I think I’m the most beautiful of us three” and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said “I think I’m the most talented of us three” and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, “I think…” and was promptly sucked into the mirror..
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
Bloke in the Olympic village sees this guy with a long steel pole in his hands and asks him “Are you a Pole Vaulter”
Yer man answers, “No I’m a German, and how did you know my name is Vaulter”
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
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