Archive for : July, 2017

Tell me a joke sister

Tell me a joke sister is a hilarious collection of funny jokes which will make you laugh like anything. Laughing once in a while has a lot of benefits to your body. Of course, you can get those benefits out of this collection of jokes. Tell me a joke sister will take you to a laughing world where you cannot prevent yourself from screaming out because of the sense of humor in every joke.

Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, ‘Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.’

-Ron Funches

Tell me a joke sister

Can you tell me a joke sister?

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 20 years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. And in the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me,”What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust.”

A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, “I love you.” The woman says, “Is that you talking or the beer talking?” The man says, “That’s me talking to the beer!”

A lady noticed her friend was wearing her wedding ring on the wrong finger so she asked, “Why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” Her friend replied, “Because I married the wrong man!”

Boyfriend: “ILY.”
Girlfriend: “Can you please say the words? It makes it better.”
Boyfriend: “I’m leaving you.”

Tell me a joke sister of your kind

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. “Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like.” “Oh, that’s easy,” his pal replied, “All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother.” “I did that already,” he said, “and that one my father didn’t like.”

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Girlfriend: Darling, will you give me a ring on our wedding day?
Boyfriend: Sure, what is your number?

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

A man found a genie in a magic lamp and was granted three wishes. The genie said, “For every wish you make, your wife gets two.” The man asked for a car and the genie gave his wife two. Then the man asked for a house and again his wife got double. The jealous husband said, “For my last wish, beat me half to death.”

Q: What worse than finding out your ex-wife got cancer? A: Finding out it’s curable.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

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Tell me a joke sister

There is a husband and a wife. The husband dies, and during the funeral, the wife starts to laugh. Everybody starts to ask her why, and she says, “This is the first time that I know where my husband is going.”

I get no respect with my wife. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth… After that, everything else was made in China.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. And in Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. And in China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant. And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
A: Carlos.

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: They don’t like fast food.

Q: Which state has the most questions?
A: Alaska.

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Tell me a joke pinky

Tell me a joke Pinky has got collections of funny jokes and hilarious one-liners which will make you laugh and laugh until your belly hurts. It’s nice to laugh once in a while when you come across this kind of short jokes. But I am sure you are going to roll on the floor and laugh once you get through this collection of jokes. Just get into Tell me a joke pinky to find out what is in.

What I like about the jokes, to me it’s a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won’t be funny.

-Steven Wright

Tell me a joke pinky

Tell me a joke pinky

Can you tell me a joke pinky?

Q: How easy is it to count in binary?
A: It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

Q: How do astronomers organize a party?
A: They planet.

When Magnesium and Oxygen started dating I was like, “O MG!”

First Molecule : I just lost an electron.
Second Molecule : Are you sure?
First Molecule : I’m positive.

Q: Why do centipedes have 100 legs?
A: So they can walk.

Newton, Pascal and Archimedes are playing hide and seek. Archimedes starts to count, Pascal hides in a bush, and Newton draws a square on the ground and steps into it. Archimedes finds Newton first, of course, but Newton replies, “Nope. One Newton on one square meter is equal to one Pascal.”

A photon walks into a hotel. The desk clerk says, “Welcome to our hotel. Can we help you with your luggage?” The photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

When you die, you should have your brain donated to science. I hear they’re trying to come up with the perfect vacuum.

It is nice to tell me a joke pinky

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.” The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!” The thief replied, “In that case, give me MY money!”

A man was walking down the street and saw a sign in a store window that said “Help Wanted,” so the man ran in the store and yelled out, “What’s wrong?!”

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It’s no good trying to outrun it. It’s catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I’m not trying to outrun the lion, I’m trying to outrun you!”

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam, but I’ll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.” The mother exclaimed, “A $100! You said it was only $20!” “Yes,” replied the dentist, “but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”

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It is hilarious to tell me a joke pinky

If an accountant’s spouse cannot sleep, what is the best cure? Ask the accountant to talk about their work.

How can you tell when an engineer is an extrovert. He stares at YOUR shoes while he talks to you.

Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Boyfriend: “You’re both.”
Girlfriend: “What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled. “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

A husband, who has six children, begins to call his wife “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of this. “Mother of six,” he would say, “what’s for dinner tonight? Get me a beer!” She gets very frustrated. Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out, “Mother of six, I think it’s time to go!” The wife immediately shouts back, “I’ll be right with you, father of four!”

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic crashed with no survivors. Each husband cried for a week, but one husband continued for more than two weeks. When asked he replied miserably, “My wife missed the bus.”

A husband asks his wife, “Will you marry after I die?” The wife responds, “No, I will live with my sister.” The wife asks him back, “Will you marry after I die?” The husband responds, “No, I will also live with your sister.”

Q: Why didn’t the man report his stolen credit card?
A: The thief was spending less then his wife.

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Tell me a joke dear

Tell me a joke dear will take you through a hilarious collection of funny jokes in which you would appreciate the sense of humour in these jokes. It will make you laugh like anything. There are one-liners in which you could even find the smartness of this stuff. Get ready to burst out laughing with Tell me a joke dear. You are going to find it interesting.

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

-David Ogilvy

Tell me a joke dear

Can you tell me a joke dear?

Little Johnny’s new baby brother is screaming up a storm. He asks his mom, “Where’d we get him?” His mother replies, “He came from Heaven, Johnny.” Johnny says, “Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”

The bride, upon her engagement, goes to her mother and says, “I’ve found a man just like Father!” Her mother replies, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

Q: Why did the ink pots cry?
A: Their mother was in the pen doing a long sentence.

A science teacher tells his class, “Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1773.” A blonde student responds, “Thank God I was born after 1773! Otherwise I would have died without it.”

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, “Why are you home so early?” He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.” She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?” Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”

A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, “What’s wrong, son?” The kid tells his dad that he’s upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gay. The father says, “Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he’ll stop.” The kid replies, “Yeah, but he’s so cute!”

It is awesome to tell me a joke dear

Teacher: “I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?”
Student: “The cow ate the grass, sir.”

Q: What do an old person, a Mexican man, and a high school student close to graduation have in common?
A: They’re all seniors.

Teacher: “Name a bird with wings but can’t fly.”
Student: “A dead bird, sir.”

Teacher: “Jill, where is the America on the map?”
Jill: “Right there, ma’am.”
Teacher: “Correct. Now, Jack, tell me who found America.”
Jack: “Jill.”

An English teacher told his students that when pronouncing a word beginning with the letter “H” they should ignore the “H” as in hour, honor, and honest. That day when leaving for class, he left a note for his assistant, “Please heat my rice for me.” When the teacher returned to his office, he met an empty bowl. He asked the assistant, “Where is my food?” The assistant replied, “You said I should heat the rice for you, but you also instructed us to ignore the ‘H.'”

It was the first day of school. Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school”?
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”

Teacher: “Why are you so late?”
Student: “Someone told me to go to hell.”
Teacher: “Why did that make you late to class?”
Student: “I couldn’t find it at first, but now here I am.”

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It is happy to tell me a joke dear

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?” After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

A teacher asks a student, “Are you ignorant or just apathetic?” The kid answers, “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?” The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.” The teacher said, “Are you kidding?” The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”

Chintu: “You never study, so how come you don’t fail your math tests?”
Pintu: “Because whenever there is a math test, I don’t go to school!”

Love to tell me a joke dear

Q: Why did the girl wear glasses in math class?
A: It improves di-vision.

Q: What’s the difference between a black and an Asian?
A: 10 minutes in the oven.

Hitler and his associates are having a discussion. He says, “Kill 6 million Jews and a cat.” One of his associates replies, “Mein Fuhrer, why must we kill a cat?” Hitler then exclaims, “See, no one cares about the Jews.”

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He’s an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn’t find the “10” button.

Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!

Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte!

Eventually, I decided to make my password “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, “Your password is incorrect.”

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Tell me a joke nanny

Get the jokes in Tell me a joke nanny and I am sure you cannot control yourself from burst out laughing. Here is the latest collection of funny and hilarious jokes that will make you laugh in any situation, no matter how worst it is. Laughter can heal all your pain rather than any expensive medicine. There is a saying that short and precise funny jokes are always better than long, boring, empty jokes. So here are the hilarious one-liners for you to laugh out loudly.

I’ve done a lot of death cartoons – tombstones, Grim Reaper, illness, obituaries… I’m not great at analyzing things, but my guess is that maybe the only relief from the terror of being alive is jokes.

-Roz Chast

Tell me a joke nanny

Can you tell me a joke nanny in one-line?

Dad: Shame on you, Peter. Why did you hit your little sister?
Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself!

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Never ask for the ‘High Five’ from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five’!

Question: What does Dumbo do after taking a photocopy?
Answer: He compares it with the original document for spelling mistakes!

It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?”
“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

How humorous is it to tell me a joke nanny?

boy whispers to his mom during a wedding
boy: “Mommy?”
mom: “What?”
boy: “Why is the girl dressed in white?”
mom: “Because this is the happiest day of her life.”
boy: “… so why is the boy dressed in black?”

Fastest mode of communication – Tell a girl a rumor and take a promise to keep it a secret.

Man: Why are you beating your son-in-law so badly? He replies: I sent him a message that you have become father but he forwarded this message to his friends!

Boy texts his Girl “Honey, I can’t live without you! When will you come to me? “Here is the KILLING Reply -“Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?”

Photographer: My secret of success is? ‘Think negative’!

It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one’ so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this’.

Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you…
Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!

It is always cool to tell me a joke nanny

My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.

 The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day in December.

Wife: “Windows frozen.”
Husband: “Pour some warm water over them.”
Wife: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

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My wife was complaining the other day saying that I never take her anywhere expensive anymore. So I said “come on, get in the car we’re going to the petrol station”.

 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Q: How does NASA organize their company parties?
A: They planet.
Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?”
Doctor: “Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
A man called a hotel. “How much is a room?” The clerk said, “It depends on the size of the room and the number of people.” “Do you take children?” asked the man. “No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards!”
Husband: “Honey, am I the only man you’ve ever loved?”
Wife: “Of course you are! Why do all men ask me the same question?”

Women are like a Tea Bags, u never know how strong it is until it’s in hot water.

 Relationships are a much like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

 Girlfriend: “Will you love me after marriage also?”
Her Boyfriend: “This depends on your husband, if he allows me.”

Q: What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? A: I lava you.

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Tell me a joke buddy

Have you been fed up with the old jokes? Then Tell me a joke buddy will be the right platform for you to laugh out with the latest and favourite jokes of your kind. It is crucial for a human being to laugh at least once in a while. This site provides you with the jokes of all ages so that all the kids and adults will find it more attractive. Hence get ready to burst out laughing with the latest wit.

As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.

-Joan Rivers

Tell me a joke buddy

Can you tell me a joke buddy?

Q: What do you call someone without a nose or a body?
A: Nobodynose.

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: “What are you doing these days?”
Sparsh: “PHD.”
Utkarsh: “Wow! You’re a doctor!”
Sparsh: “No, Pizza Home Delivery.”

Q: What type of book has only characters and no story?
A: A telephone book.

Why do hummingbirds hum? Because they don’t know the words.

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Steve, so I asked him, “What’s the name of his other leg?”

Q: Why is a river rich?

A: Because it has two banks.

Q: Why did King Kong climb the Empire State Building?
A: He couldn’t fit in the elevator.

Teacher: “Where was the Constitution of India signed?”
Student: “At the bottom of the page!”

Q: A cowboy left Montana to go to Texas on Friday and came back on Friday. How did he do it?
A: He named his horse Friday.

Q: Why did the one armed man cross the road?
A: To get to the second hand shop.

A disciple went to his master and said, “I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end.” His master said, “Here, have some chewing gum.”

Q: Why are fish easy to weigh?
A: Because they have their own scales.

Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

Q: Why are ghosts such good cheerleaders?
A: Because they have a lot of spirit!

Tell me a joke buddy

Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.

Q: Why do museums have old dinosaur bones?
A: Because they cant afford new ones.

Q: Why does a cow wear a bell around its neck?
A: Because its horns don’t work.

Q: What did the buffalo say to her child as he left for school?
A: “Bison!” (bye son)

Q: If a plane crashed on the Canada/USA border, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don’t bury survivors.

Being an astronaut is funny. It’s the only job where you get fired before you start work.

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Q: What is a question with a different answer every time you’re asked?

A: “What time is it?”

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1,000 letters?
A: Post office.

Q: What did the astronaut say when he wanted to be alone?

A: “Give me some space!”

Old Man: “Are you the young fellow who sold me this tube yesterday and told me it was toothpaste?”
Clerk: “Yes sir.”
Old Man: “Well, I tried for half an hour this morning and I couldn’t get my teeth to stick in.”

Q: What did the math book say to its therapist?

A: I’ve got a lot of problems.

Q: How do you make the number seven even?

A: Drop the “s.”

Q: What is tall when it’s young and short when it’s old?
A: A candle.

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Tell me a joke Mom

I am actually fed up with the work pressure of moving here and there. Can you tell me a joke Mom which will make me enthusiastic and laugh out loudly? Of course Yes, you are in the right place to get stuffs to laugh out loudly as you are looking for. Laughing has a lot of health benefits which you might be aware of. Hence have a look at Tell me a joke Mom and I am sure you cannot stop laughing.

“It will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.”

― G.K. Chesterton

Can you tell me a joke Mom?

When I was young, I used to eat a lot because my parents told me that fat kids are harder to kidnap.

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station. The attendant asks the old man, “Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town.” The old man says, “We’re from Nebraska.” Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, “What did he say, papa?” The old man answers her, “He asked us where we are from.” “Oh,” replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that’s all done, the attendant tells the old man, “You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska.” The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, “What did he say, papa?” The husband replies, “He thinks he knows you, mama.”

A kid asks his dad, “What’s a man?” The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.” The kid says, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

A father is having dinner with his son and says, “Son tell me a lie,” and the son says, “Dad.”

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, “I hate my mother-in-law.” The other replies, “Well, just eat your noodles, then.”

Q: What do you call the child of parents from Iceland and Cuba?
A: An ice cube.

I went to my sisters house and saw her packing a suitcase. I asked, “What’s going on?” She said, “I’m feeling homesick.” I suggested, “But you’re at your home now.” She replied, “I know. I’m sick of it!”

Tell me a joke mom

Now tell me a joke of my kind mom

Son: “Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations for a community swimming pool.”
Father: “Okay, give him a glass of water.”

Get a new car for your spouse; it will be a great trade!

Ben: “Dad, there is a hole in my shoe.”
Dad: “Yes, Ben, that’s where you put your foot.”

I’m tired of my grandma! Whenever someone’s wedding comes up, she says, “Next is your turn.” So I’ve decided when someone dies I’m going to say, “Next is your turn, grandma.”

Your aunt is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn’t find the “CALL” button.

Your mom is so fat and old when God said, “Let there be light,” he asked your mother to move out of the way.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The asian walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and jumps off the roof. Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, “This is for all my people” and then he jumps off the roof. Next is the black guy’s turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and then throws the white guy off the roof.

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It is very funny to tell me a joke Mom

Q: How do Chinese people name their babies?
A: They throw them down the stairs to see what noise they make.

Your sister is so stupid she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

Your mamma is so fat she doesn’t need the internet, because she’s already world wide.

How do you blindfold a Chinese person? Put floss over their eyes.

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

Tell me a joke of your favourite stuffs mom

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, “Only take one. God is watching.” Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

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Tell me a joke uncle

Tell me a joke uncle has a lot of stuff to make you roll on the floor and laugh. Of course, in this technological era, we people have no time even to laugh at some funny things around us. Hence, this is the right platform for us to laugh and laugh until we are tired of it. Tell me a joke uncle will take you through hilarious jokes that will make you laugh like anything.

“Most nobodies are somebodies and most somebodies are nobodies somewhere.

― Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Tell me a joke uncle

Can you tell me a joke uncle?

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”

Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s check book!”

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

It’s time for you to tell me a joke uncle

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”
Student: “A drinking problem.”

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while. They’re normally around 90 degrees.

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, “Give me all the money or you’re geography!” The puzzled teller replies, “Did you mean to say ‘or you’re history?'” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!”

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!

Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Student: “HIJKLMNO.”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Student: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O!”

Brunette: “Where were you born?”
Blonde: “The United States.”
Brunette: “Which part?”
Blonde: “My whole body.”

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

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Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: “You’re too young to smoke.”

At the doctor’s office, Tom was getting a check up. “I have good news and bad news,” says the doctor. “The good news is you have 24 hours left to live.” Tom replies, “That’s the good news?!” Then the doctor says, “The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday.”

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,” he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands

Q: What stays in one corner but travels around the world?
A: A stamp.

If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Patient: “I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee.”
Doctor: “Try taking the spoon out.”

Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100 % certainty you’d stay alive: a door with a man with a gun behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn’t eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electrical chair behind it?
A: The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn’t eaten in 7 years it’s dead.

Q: Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A: To get to the body shop.

Don’t break anybody’s heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

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Tell me a joke aunt

Tell me a joke aunt will take you through a collection of funny and hilarious jokes that you would appreciate the sense of humour here. It is important for any human being to spend some time laughing at things around them. So we have come up with this collection to make you roll on the floor and laugh so that you could spend some quality time over here. Let’s get into Tell me a joke aunt.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don’t have a regime.

-Jon Stewart

Tell me a joke aunt

Can you tell me a joke aunt?

Two blondes were walking down the sidewalk. The first blonde said, “Hey, look at that dog with one eye,” so the second blonde covered up one eye.

Brunette: Do you like your new iPad?
Blonde: No, I can’t use it.
Brunette: Why not?
Blonde: I couldn’t find the buttons.

Q: How are blondes and beer bottles the same?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up!

Q: How do you turn white chocolate into dark chocolate?
A: Turn off the light.

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: A fsh.

Q: Why did the ants dance on the jam jar?
A: The lid said, “Twist to open.”

Q: What’s a race car’s favorite thing to eat for lunch?
A: Fast food!

Q: What’s a frog’s favorite drink?
A: Croak-a cola.

Lady: “Is this my train?”
Station Master: “No, it belongs to the railway company.”
Lady: “Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New York.”
Station Master: “No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.”

Q: Why didn’t the man die when he drank poison?
A: Because he was in the living room.

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Tell me a joke aunt of your kind

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn’t swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, “Do you need help, sir?” The preacher calmly said “No, God will save me.” A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, “Hey, do you need help?” The preacher replied again, “No God will save me.” Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. He asked God, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “Fool, I sent you two boats!”

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church. One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?” The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?” The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?” The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”

Two blondes walk into a tanning salon. The receptionist asks, “Are you two sisters?” They chuckle and reply, ” No, we aren’t even Catholic.”

A German asks a Mexican if they have any Jews in Mexico. The Mexican says, “Yes, we have orange jews, apple jews, and grape jews!”

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Girl: “Girls are better than boys.”
Boy: “Then why did God make boys first?”
Girl: “Duh, you have to have a rough draft before the final copy.”

A mother said to her son, “Look at that kid over there; he’s not misbehaving.” The son replied, “Maybe he has good parents then!”

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don’t accept cheap gifts.

Tell me a joke aunt of my kind

Q: How come oysters never donate to charity?
A: Because they are shellfish.

A fat man goes into a fast food restaurant and orders his food. The cashier says that it will be a minute or two for his food. Finally his food is ready. The cashier hands the food to the fat guy and tells him, “Sorry about your weight.”

Dad: How will you separate a mixture of sand and sugar?
Son: Simple, I will give the mixture to the ants. they will take the sugar and leave the sand.

Girl: Professor, Do you remember me? You asked me to marry you some years ago!
Professor: Yes I remember but did you?

Wife to her husband:
“I told you I’ll be back in five minutes, so why you are calling me every half an hour?”

Can’t believe how desperate my maths teacher is, he keeps asking me to find his x. I think it’s time he faced the truth, she’s not coming back.

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.

Husband: Honey, can you smell that?
Wife: No.
Husband: Exactly I can’t either so get in the kitchen and start cooking.

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Tell me a joke my love

It is fun to laugh like a mad. Isn’t it? Just get into Tell me a joke my love and indulge yourself in laughing out loud which is very good for your health. The jokes here are fresh new collections of the fun world, and I am sure you would end up screaming. You are going to love this Tell me a joke my love, and it is attractive to the persons of all ages, from small kids to adults.

Someone said to me at a party once, ‘Oh, yeah, you’re a comedian? Then how come you’re not funny now?’ And I just wanted to say, ‘Well, I’m just going to take this conversation we’re having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that’s the joke. You’re the joke later.’

-Mike Birbiglia

Tell me a joke my love

Can you tell me a joke my love?

A police officer sees a blonde woman driving and knitting at the same time. Exasperated, he drives up next to her and screams out the window, “Pull over!” The blonde responds, “No Silly, it’s a scarf.”

This blonde calls me and says, “What’s your phone number? I cant find it!”

A couple is trying to have a baby. Finally, the blonde tells her husband, “Honey, I have great news! We’re pregnant, and we’re having twins!” The husband is overjoyed and says to his wife, “Honey that’s wonderful, but how do you know so soon that we’re having twins?” She nods her head and says, “Well, I bought the twin pack pregnancy test and they both came out positive!”

A blonde goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and gets a soda. She does this again and again. A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long. She says, “Can’t you see I’m winning?”

One day a blonde went into the library and asked the librarian, “Can I have a burger and fries?” The librarian replied, “This is the library.” Then blonde whispered, “Oh. Can I have a burger and fries?”

A blonde goes into a computer store and asks the clerk, “Where do you keep the curtains for computers?” The clerk answers with a puzzled face, “Curtains for computers? You don’t need curtains for computers.” The blonde’s eyes widen and she shakes her head as she answers, “Hello!?? My computer has Windows!!”

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days?
A: Give her a piece of paper that has “Please turn over” written on both sides.

Q: How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

A blonde and brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why she had a rope tied around her waist. The blonde answered that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, “You’re supposed to put the rope around your neck.” The blonde replied, “I tried that but I couldn’t breathe!”

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A blond asked his friend, “Why does my sister have two brothers and I only have one???”

Q: Why did the blonde put water on her computer?
A: To wash the Windows.

Q: Why can’t blondes tie shoes?
A: They just can’t grasp the concept that the long thing goes around the hole, not into it.

A blond girl was at the store, and just as she was heading for her car, someone stole it. The policemen asked, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

Two blondes walk beside each other down the street. One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it and says, “This girl looks so familiar, but I can’t remember where I know her from.” The other girl grabs it from her hand, takes a look at it, and says, “It’s me you idiot!”

Why is a blonde girl staring at the orange juice box? The orange juice box says, “Concentrated.”

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Send her into a circular room and tell her to find the corner.
Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She finds a corner.

Tell me a joke my love

One blonde was on one side of the river and there was another blonde on the other side of the river. One blonde yells to the other blonde, “How do you get to the other side?” and the other blonde yells back, “You are on the other side!”

A smart blonde, Santa Claus, and a leprechaun are in a kitchen. There is a $100 dollar bill on the floor. Who picks it up? Nobody, because none of them exist.

Tell me a joke my love of some other kind

A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is. The stranger says, “11:45.” The blonde says, “Really? That’s so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer.”

Q: Why do blondes leave empty beer cans in their refrigerator?
A: For their friends that don’t drink.

Q: Why do blondes have “TGIF” written on their shoes?
A: To remind them Toes Go In First.

A blonde crashed a helicopter. A police officer asked her what happened. She says, “It got cold so I turned off the fan.”

A blonde decided to paint a room. When her husband got home, he asked, “Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?” She replied, “The can said for best results apply 2 coats.”

A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriend’s dandruff problem. The redhead says, “Why don’t you give him Head and Shoulders?” The blonde replies, “How do you give shoulders?”

Mr. Brown was working in his garden when on the other side of the fence, he heard his neighbor crying. Mr. Brown popped his head over the fence and asked, “What’s the matter Mary? What has upset you?” The blonde neighbor replied, “My dog has died and I’m going to bury it here.” Mr. Brown said, “You only have one dog, so why have you dug three holes?” She answered, “The first two were too small.”

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Clean Joke of the Day to laugh out

Laughing is something good for the physical and mental wellness. Such a precious treatment could be achieved by reading this kind of jokes. The sense of humor progresses so does the fun. More-sophisticated funny stuff such as jokes, riddles may suddenly seem hilarious. Here is the Clean Joke of the Day providing for one who visits daily with a huge collection of jokes.

Clean Joke of the Day

Clean Joke of the Day

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. is the best place to have fun.

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Clean Joke to laugh out

Clean Joke of the Day

Clean Joke of the Day

Daddy reads some bedtime stories to make little Jonny fall asleep.
Half an hour later mommy opens quietly the door and asks: “And, is he asleep?”
Little Jonny answers: “Yes, finally.”

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

A man is walking in the desert with his horse and his dog when the dog says, “I can’t do this. I need water.” The man says, “I didn’t know dogs could talk.” The horse says, “Me neither!”

A dog walked in to the telegram office one day. He took out a blank form and wrote on it:

“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

Then he handed it to the clerk. The clerk examined the paper and said to the dog, “You know there are only nine words here? You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The dog replied, “But that would make no sense at all!”

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”

A boy breaks an old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?

A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!

A man wrote a letter to one of the Chicago hotels he planned to stay at while on vacation: “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well behaved and well-groomed. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room?”

The hotel owner replied, saying, “I’ve been operating hotels for thirty years. I’ve never had a dog steal bedclothes, towels, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to kick a dog out in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog skip out on a hotel bill. So, yes, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay, too.”

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to  help the men sympathize with their partners.” “We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  “This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?” “I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.” “You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “Yes!” said the instructor. “Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

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Clean Joke of the Day

Clean Joke of the Day

Clean Joke of the Day

A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: ‘Occupation?’

The German replies: ‘No, just a holiday.’

Why is 6 afraid of 7?… Because 7 8 (ate) 9.

A computer programmer was going to the store. His wife said “Dear, would you buy a gallon of milk? And if they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer came back with a dozen gallons of milk and said, “They had eggs.” –It’s really only funny if you’re a programmer. 8OD

Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, “Hey, you just stole an electron from me!”
“Are you sure?” asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, “Yeah, I’m positive!”

Elderly irishman trying to recapture his youth buys a flash sports car and takes it out for a spin. At 140mph he checks his rear view mirror and sees a police car charging up on him, blues and two flashing. I’m too old for this he thinks, so pulls over. Cop walks up to him, “hey, I’ve got 10 minutes left on my shift and I don’t need three hours of paperwork because of you. Give me a good reason why you were going at 140mph”. Well officer says Paddy, “it’s like this, my wife ran off with a cop 30 years ago and I thought you were bringing her back”. Sounds reasonable says the cop, on your way

A scientist is testing how far a frog can jump. He places the frog down and yells, “JUMP!” The frog jumps 12 feet. Then the scientist cuts off one of the frog’s legs and runs the test again. “JUMP!” The frog jumps 6 feet. He cuts off the second leg, places the frog down and yells, “JUMP!” The frog goes nowhere. Conclusion: when both of frog’s legs are cut off, frog cannot hear.

Q: Why was everyone so tired on April 1st? A: They had just finished a March of 31 days.

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

“Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor.

“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded. “I think I would prefer the traditional service.”

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library! Because it has the most stories!

🙂 😀 🙂

There are two muffins in an oven.

One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, “Boy, it’s hot in here.”

The other muffin says, “OH MY GOD A TALKING MUFFIN.”

Three seniors are out for a stroll.
One of them remarks, “It’s windy.”
Another replies, “No way. It’s Thursday.”
The last one says, “Me too. Let’s have a soda.”

A man and his wife are setting up their new computer. When it comes time to pick the password, he types in “my_brain” but the computer rejects it. His wife says “I told you it was too small.”

The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on.

Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.

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