Funny Jokes is an enjoyable distraction for the body from any serious task and diverting the mind or contributing an extra dimension to it. The sense of humor progresses so does the fun. More-sophisticated funny jokes, riddles may suddenly seem hilarious. Get into the site of funny jokes to roll on the floor and laugh. These Funny Jokes in English will make you laugh.
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Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
Girlfriend: Darling Give me your Diamond Ring.
Boyfriend: Why honey?
Gf: I’m going to miss you see it everyday.
Bf: You would remember me anyway.
Girlfriend: How’s that?
Bf: thinking that I had not given you that precious ring.
It was oral examination in the standard two. The class teacher asked various questions to the students. She asked Tom, ‘Can you tell me a name of an animal that starts with alphabet ‘E’?
Tom replied ‘ELEPHANT’
Teacher asked him again to name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘T’.
Tom replied ‘Two Elephants’
Teacher asked him the same question.
Tom replied ‘Ten Elephants’
Annoyed teacher, asked him name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘M’
Tom replied ‘Mother Elephant’
The angry teacher repeated the same question.
Cool Tom replied ‘May be an elephant’
Johny johny, Yes papa..!!!
Private job, Yes papa!
Lot of tension, Yes papa!
Too much work, Yes papa!
Family life, No papa!
Bp-sugar, High papa!
Yearly bonus, Joke papa…!!!
Monthly pay, Low papa!
Personal life, Lost papa!
Weekly off…, Ha Ha Ha….!!
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ‘My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, ‘Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!’
Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says “Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says “OK, now what?”
My new 1000 watt sound system is great! I can control the volume of my neighbor’s banging on my door.
Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user …
Help-desk : double click on “My Computer”.
Lady : I can’t see your computer..
Help-desk: No .. Click on “My Computer” on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer ??? !!
Help-desk : There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer .. double click on it.
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer ?
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer.
This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,”oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.” Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”
I feel bad for the people who change their birthday for April Fools Day and then their mom wishes them Happy Birthday 🙂
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Funny Jokes in English
I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.
They can’t say “Get down!” anymore when the President is under attack.
Now it’s “Donald! Duck!”
Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…
What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!
NEW TEACHER- All students introduce your name and hobbies,
1st boy : My name is Pankaj and my
hobby is watching moon,
2nd boy : my name is Amit and hobby
is watching moon,
3rd boy: my name is Parmod & my
hobby is watching moon,
All boys told their different names but hobby
TEACHER : good all boys have same hobby,
Now its girl’s turn,
1st girl : hi my name is moon…
“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”
Husband was busy watching
Ind vs Pak match..
Wife Came in a New Dress & Asked Him: Main Kaisi Lag Rahi Hu ??
Husband Jumped, Clapped n Shouted
His visiting hrs in the hospital are between 4 to 7!!
Girlfriend And Boyfriend Chatting On Facebook.
Girlfriend: “Please Stay Up, Just A Little Longer? I Really Want To Talk To You”
Boyfriend: “No, Sorry I Gotta Go”
Boyfriend: “No, My Mom Said If I Don’t Go To Sleep Now She’ll Come Down Here And Bash My Head On The Keyboard yujehs Ndbhuji Dcb Fnekd Xnedj Ucdu Cedtmjg Tjmgjea“
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?
If you don’t understand these, use your dictionary and look up the words “blind,” “deaf,” “saw,” “heard” and “herd.”
Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper.
Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have?
A: Baby tigers.
Q: Why is the number six afraid?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)
Q: How many legs does an ant have?
A: Two, the same as an uncle.
(HINT: ant = aunt)
Two friends visit a Stadium.
First: Why are all these people running?
Second: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
First: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?
“FRIENDS STAND BEHIND U DURING UR BAD TIMES”
Do u want a documentary proof ??
Okay,In future check out your marriage album..U’ll find all friends behind u !!!
NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. …..
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…
Santa: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Jasmeet: I clean the toilet bowl.
Santa: How does that help?
Jasmeet: I use your toothbrush!
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins’ driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
“I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo,” shouted the first driver.
The second replied, “I did, but I had some money left, so we’re going to the cinema now.”
A customer ordered a cup of coffee in a restaurant! The waiter served the coffee. The customer found a fly in the coffee. He called the waiter.
Customer: How do I drink this coffee!
Waiter: Don’t you know how to drink a coffee?
Customer: Waiter, see, there is a fly in my coffee.
Waiter: Oh yes sir, you are right! There is a fly in your coffee.
Customer: Waiter, I said, there is a fly in MMY coffee (He stressed the word MY)
Waiter: Oh don’t worry sir, the fly won’t drink much!
Customer: Waiter, it is swimming in my coffee.
Waiter: Sir, do you want me to get a lifeguard for the fly sir?
(Annoyed) Customer: the fly dead, it’s irritating!
Waiter: I guess, it doesn’t know how to swim properly.
Customer: How do I drink this coffee?
Waiter: Don’t you know how to drink? I will teach you!
He drank the coffee! And said, this is how you should drink a coffee.
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