Tag : funny-jokes

Funny Jokes | Most Hilarious Jokes Ever

Funny Jokes | Most Hilarious Jokes Ever: Laughing is the best medicine for any disease in the world. Scientifically it is been proven that laughing heals mental as well as physical pain. When you come across some hilarious jokes, that would be the best way to get this healthy treatment done. If you are looking for a fresh new collection of such hilarious jokes, then you are at the right place. Get into the site of short jokes to roll on the floor and laugh. These funny jokes will make you forget your worries and feel pleasant. Get ready to laugh until your belly hurts. Let us see which jokes are a barrel of laughs, and which ones fall flat.

Funny jokes

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funny Jokes for Kids

A German, an American and a Russian walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them suspiciously and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

“Sir, you cannot fish here!”
“Don’t worry, I’m not fishing, I’m just teaching my worm to swim.”

A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”
The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”
The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”
Boy nods, “Exactly!”

I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you seen my cat?” So I called the number and said that I didn’t. I like to help where I can.

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight: Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

Funny jokes for kids

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!’

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Funny jokes

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Top most funny jokes

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

funny jokes

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not.” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and one at a time lays three one hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says slowly. “Paint…my….house.”

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

Funny jokes

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, “No, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says Ok and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”

It’s game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbour says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8.30!” He replies. “Why? What happened at 8.30?”

If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school… Teacher: “Whats your name?” Boy: “Nadir” Teacher: “No, now you are in America, your name is Johnny from today.” Boy went home and his mother asked: “How was the day Nadir?” Boy: “I am an American now, so call me Johnny.” Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised… Teacher: “What happened Johnny?” Boy: “Ma’m, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.”

Funny jokes

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife, but it’s sad that law allows only one wife.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Ladies, don’t forget the jumble sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Algorithm. Word used by programmers when they don’t want to explain what they did.

Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve noble gasses in here.” Helium doesn’t react.

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

Funny jokes

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

A guy said to God, “God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”
God said, “Yes.”
The guy said, “God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?”
God said, “Yes”
The guy said, “God, can I have a penny?”
God said, “Sure, just a second.”

Pessimist: Oh, this can’t get any worse!
Optimist: Yes, it can!

Funny jokes to laugh out

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.
Chris came back first and said to the king. ” I brought ten apples.”
The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in… but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed.
After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, ” Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!”
Chris replied, ” I know, I couldn’t help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!”

Funny jokes

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.
I told them to buzz off!!!!!
Anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving!!

Sardar: Why are all running?

Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

Sardar: If only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Teacher: “I killed a person” convert this sentence into future tense.

Sardar: The future tense is “u will go to jail”.

“I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.”

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, ‘Alright, fatty.’

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks for a drink, but the barkeep said, “Sorry, but we dont serve mushrooms.” The mushroom replies, “Why, I’m a fun guy”.

What did the skeleton say before it ate?
“Bone-appetit.”

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Really Funny Joke | Crazy Fun Jokes

A joke is a matter that need not be taken very seriously. It’s something which is amusing, because of being crazily and a thing, person or a situation which makes us laugh rather than taking it seriously. Really Funny Joke is something that is very easy which does not present the expected challenge. So, here is the Really Funny Joke enjoy reading it.

Really Funny Joke

Really Funny Joke

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

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Crazy Fun – Really Funny Joke

Really Funny Joke

Really Funny Joke

 

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!” Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!” Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come?

He had it on airplane mode.

“Mom, where do tampons go?”
“Where the babies come from, darling.”
“In the stork?”

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”

Some people think it’s romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.

I’m more worried about why they’re bringing a knife on their date.

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier…Luckily only one crow showed up!

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honour thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?

“Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

My doctor said he’s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?

Is it your hope to impress upon people that you’ve been around the globe a few times, even though a walk into the living room is too far? Trot out these worldly gags: If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine. You’d have to be nuts to jump into the Seine, which is the river that runs through Paris.

A boy got a miss call. He went to school and asked his teacher: “Miss why did you send me a call?”

Teacher: “I didn’t.”

Boy: “Well my phone says I got a miss call.”

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

What is an insects favorite subject at school? – MOTHematics.

Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything! A hyperbole is an exaggerated claim. No, really, realllllllllllyyyyy exaggerated. I mean, like, the most exaggerated thing in the history of ever!!

This presumes that the two calendar burglars worked out an even 50/50 split of the spoils. Most likely, one of them would have worked to betray his accomplice, so he could get the full 12 months.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Now the question is who in their right mind would touch a bee to check for sticky hair?

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?

A: Because they use honeycombs!

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

My mom said I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate too much.

I said, “Oh yeah? Just you wait.

What did the mayonnaise say when someone opened the refrigerator door. Close the door I am dressing!

DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

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Really Funny Joke

Really Funny Joke

Really Funny Joke

How do you get 100 Jews into a car?
– You throw in a nickel.
How do you get them out of there?
– Tell them that Hitler is driving the car.

The philosopher was laying in bed one night, looking up at the moon, and he thought to himself, “Where the heck is my ceiling?”

A young man named Sabu was walking to his village when he came across the local faith healer. As was his custom, the faith healer asked Sabu how his family was doing.

“Everyone is well, “said Sabu,” except my grandfather who is quite ill.”

The faith healer replied, “Sabu, your grandfather is not sick. Tell your grandfather that I said he only believes he is sick!”

A few days pass and Sabu once again meets the village faith healer on his way into the village.

“Sabu,” says the faith healer. “How is your grandfather now?”

“Well,” said Sabu, “You know grandfather. Now he believes he is dead.”

When I die, I want my grave to have free WiFi so people will come visit more often. …

At an art exhibition two women were staring at a painting entitled, “Home for Lunch”.

The painting was of three very naked, and very black men, sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis. The two women were standing there, staring at the picture, scratching their heads and trying to figure this out. The artist walked by and noticed the women’s confusion. “Can I help you with this painting?” he asked.

“Well, yes” said the one woman. “We were curious about the picture of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?”

“Oh,” said the artist. “I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood the painting. The three men are not African-Americans, they’re coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went “Home for Lunch.”

A duck walked into a drugstore and asked for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier said, “That’ll be $1.49”
and the duck said “Put it on my bill

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Funny Joke of the Day | Hilarious Jokes

Funny Joke of the day is a thing which someone says at a cause to make amusement or laughter, especially a story with a funny punchline. It may also able to deal with the lots of remarks and tricks without becoming angry or offended. Funny jokes or hilarious short jokes can indicate that one who is being serious, especially after making such extreme funny jokes will definitely laugh out loud. So, here is the Funny Joke of the Day to get rid of the worries.

Funny Joke of the Day

Funny Joke of the Day

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funny Jokes

Funny Joke of the Day

Funny Joke of the Day

Q: Why did the archaeologist’s wife divorce him?
A: Because he was carbon dating.

Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: ‘Take only ONE . God is watching.’
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, ‘Take all you want. God is watching the apples’.

Conservatives are criticizing Obama because as a child in Indonesia he sometimes ate dog meat. On the plus side, Obama’s now polling very well among cats.

Art of communication. A shopkeeper worried when a business like his opened next door with a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when a competitor opened on his right, with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper got an idea. he put the highest sign over his shop. It read… MAIN ENTRANCE.

The President of Coca Cola makes a phone call to Russian President Vladimir Putin:
– Vladimir, I have noticed that you have changed Russian anthem, do you have any plans to change the flag as well – return to the previous purely red flag? If you would put our Coca-Cola trademark in a corner, we would solve all your problems with pensions, salaries of officials for couple years ahead…
Vladimir puts the call on hold and asks his colleague:
– Hey, when our contract with Aqua Fresh ends?

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”

The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

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Funny Joke of the Day

Funny Joke of the Day

Funny Joke of the Day

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple!

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. “Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?” The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, ‘Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?’
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, ‘I guess you’d be eating alone.’

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength: My wife, Jeeto.
2.Weakness: Banta’s wife, Preeto.
3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
4.Threat: When I am on tour!!!

Baby snake: Mommy, are we poisonous?
Mother snake: Yes, son.Why?
Baby snake: I just bit my tongue!

My biggest professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor but me.

My younger sister came up to me the other day and said that God must love silly
people. When I asked her why she said ‘Well, if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have
made so many of them would he?’

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To hunt somebody down.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

The chicken.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

Ben: How come the mother needle got mad at the baby needle?
Jerry: I dunno.
Ben: It was way past its threadtime!

What did the ground say to the earthquake? — You crack me up!

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge HEART covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted later, he said: “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral…I’m a gynecologist.”
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
A careers advisor went to a school and asked a student, “What do you want to do when you leave here?”

The student replied, “A gynecologist or a train driver.” The career advisor was so baffled by this that she said, “Train driver and gynecologist? That’s quite a gap, don’t you think?” By That the student replied, “Well… at the end of the day… I guess I just like tunnels.”

Son came to his father’s office — Son : Dad, I was passing by this way, just came here to say you ‘hello’. Dad : No benefit, a few minutes earlier your mom came here

Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.

What? Is A Difference Between
A Kiss, A Car And A Monkey?
A Kiss Is So Dear,?
A Car Is Too Dear And
A Monkey Is U Dear.

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Tell me a joke Father

Laughter is the best medicine in the world that cures your mental diseases no matter how worst it is.  Laughing in even a critical situation will make you think better to bring out a solution. Here is the collection of funny jokes and short jokes that will make you laugh like anything. Have a look at Tell me a joke Father. Just get ready to burst out laughing!!

“A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.”

                                                                        – Friedrich Nietzsche

Tell me a joke Father

Can you tell me a joke Father?

My high school assignment 
was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served 
in the Philippines during the war, 
I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

Your mom is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”

Wife: “In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring.”
Husband: “I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill.”

A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.” With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…

“Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

Don’t worry, Dad. I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Jason’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Tell me a joke

Very hilarious, Now tell me a  joke of some other kind

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Michael: The good news.
Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there’s no domestic violence going on.

Pessimist: “Things just can’t get any worse!”
Optimist: “Nah, of course they can!”

A boy breaks on old vase at a rich uncle‘s house. The uncle gets extremely angry and yells: “Do you even know how old the vase was? It was from the 17th century!” The boy sagged in relief: “Oh, good that it wasn’t new.”

I’ve always thought my neighbors were quite nice people. But then they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

A husband got his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas. It came with a coffin, tomb stone, the works. Next Christmas comes by and the husband gets her nothing. When the mother-in-law asks, “Why didn’t you get me a gift?” the husband says, “You haven’t used the one I got you last year!”

Little Susie, a six-year-old, complained, “Mother, I’ve got a stomach ache.” “That’s because your stomach is empty,” the mother replied. “You would feel better if you had something in it.” That afternoon, her father came complaining that he had a severe headache all day. Susie perked up, “That’s because it’s empty,” she said. “You’d feel better if you had something in it.”

Teacher: “Answer this math problem: if your father earns $500 a week and gives half to your mother. What will he have?”
Student: “A heart attack.”

Tell me a joke Father of my style

Assistant: “Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: “Certainly not!”
Assistant: “Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding.”

Three brothers wanted to give their blind mom a birthday gift. The first got her a big beautiful house. The second got her a brand new luxury vehicle with a driver. The third got her a talking parrot to keep her company. When they all got together, they wanted to know which gift she liked best. She said they were all great but she thanked her third son because she liked the chicken dinner best.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A man tells his wife, “Honey, your mom fell down the stairs 15 minutes ago.” The wife yells at him, “Why are you just telling me now?” He said, “Because I couldn’t stop laughing.”

A man called his child’s doctor, “Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?” The doctor replied, “Until I can come over, write with another pen.”

Q: What happens once in a minute and twice in a moment but never in a decade?
A: The letter “m.”

A boy asks his father, “Dad, are bugs good to eat?” “That’s disgusting. Don’t talk about things like that over dinner,” the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy says. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”

A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?” He texts back, “I Don’t Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.” The mom texts him, “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister, love you too”.

That’s enough, now tell me a joke Father of your style

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, “Son, go get your mother!”.

Son: “Dad, when will I be old enough so I don’t have to ask mom for her permission to go out?”
Dad: “Son, even I haven’t grown old enough to go out without her permission!”

A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, “Darling, it’s my mother’s birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric.” Harry replies, “How about a chair?”

It was a baby mosquito’s first day to fly out from home. When the mosquito came back home later that day, the father mosquito asked, “How was your journey?” The baby mosquito replied, “It went great. Everyone was clapping for me!”

Q: Why didn’t the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was on the deck.

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars, so I took him to his 
first car show. He loved seeing all 
the different models and brands 
and gushed over the big engines, 
the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”

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Funniest Jokes | Jokes of the day | Funny Jokes

Funniest Jokes is appropriate to the joke to which we laugh at. Short jokes and hilarious jokes are given to making amusing jokes or gibe. It may also be arousing or provoking the laughter. At least once in a while, something is good for the physical and mental well-being of humans, so, one of the best solutions is laughing. Such a treatment should be achieved by these types of jokes. These Funniest Jokes which will make you forget your worries.

Funniest Jokes

Funniest Jokes

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funniest Ever | Best Jokes Ever

Funniest Jokes

Funniest Jokes

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, “Sorry, no professionals.”

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

Station Master and a Lady Passenger:-

A lady was running to catch a train to Bangalore. She reached the station and was searching for the train.

Passenger: (Asked to the station master) Sir, is this my train?
Station Master: No Madam, this is not your train, it’s railways department’s train.
Passenger: (Annoyed) That’s a good joke. Don’t act too smart. What I meant was, can I take this train to Bangalore?
Station Master: No ma’am, you cannot! This train is so BIG and you can’t take it.
Passenger: Its really funny! Now say me, will this train take me to Bangalore?
Station Master: NO ma’am. The train can’t take you. The train driver will drive it to Bangalore!

The passenger fainted!

Steven Wright
“I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.'”

“If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast to the back of a cat and drop it?”

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: With me
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together
Police: Where is your house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: If i tell you, you wont believe me.
Police: Tell me
Me: Next to my house

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for ‘Best Special Effects.’

Funniest Jokes

Funniest Jokes

Funniest Jokes

A student named Jacob was sitting in class one day and the teacher walked by and he asked her,

“How do you put an elephant in the fridge?” The teacher said “I don’t know, how?”
Jacob then said “You open the door and put it in there!”

Then Jacob asked the teacher another question “How do you put a girraffe in the fridge?”
The teacher then replied “Ohh I know this one, you open the door and put it in there?”

Jacob said “No, you open the door, take the elephant out, and then you put it in there.”

Then he asked another question…”All the animals went to the lions birthday party, except one animal,
which one was it?” The teacher a bit confused and said “The lion?”

Then the student said “No,the girraffe because he’s still in the fridge.

Then he asked her just one more question….”If there is a river full of alligators
and you wanted to get across it,how would you” The teacher then says “You would walk over the bridge.

” Then Jacob says “No, you would swim across because all the alligators are at the lions birthday party!

” She laughs and walks away.

“Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That’s a high price to pay for a shag. In real life you’d be hard pushed to find one virgin. It begs the question: what on earth do they all look like? That’s a lot of hairy women.”

If the koreans cannot do it, they will tell you that they won do it.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Police officer talks to a driver: Your tail light is broken, your tires must be exchanged and your bumper hangs halfway down. That will be 300 dollars.

Driver: Alright, go ahead. They want twice as much as that at the garage.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!” After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.” Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems.

There is a black man, a white man, and a Mexican man on a plane that is too heavy to fly and they are about to crash. They each have to throw something off the plane to save them from crashing. The black man throws out his Jordan shoes and says, “We have too many in our country.” The Mexican tosses out his lawn mower and says, “We have too many in our country.” The white man puts his item down, grabs the Mexican, throws him out the window and says, “We have too many in our country.”

I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

“I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame ’cause halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”

He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ‘ I thought ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.

Donald Trump still hasn’t released his tax returns, 12 women have accused him of sexual assault, and he’s going on trial for fraud for Trump University in November, but now the only thing the media’s talking about is emails.

It’s like if during the O.J. trial everyone was focused on whether or not the Ford Bronco had up-to-date registration.

Q: What are a woman’s four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

 A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, “What do you do to get your tomatoes red?” He replies, “Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.” The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, “How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?” “No,” she replies, “but my cucumbers are enormous.”

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Funny Short Jokes | One Liner Funny Jokes

Funny Short Jokes: In some situation, it’s much risk to start the interaction and make a joke about the person. Funny Short Joke is nothing but the funny story that you tell to people to make them sit and laugh at it. Some people won’t laugh at silly jokes and these hilarious funny jokes are those people to laugh out loud. So, here are the Funny Short Jokes to make everyone happy.

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

They say every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by 2 minutes. I did the math. Seems I died in 1543.

Groom: People ask me why I left a bachelor to be with this girl. Well, look at her. She’s wealthy and dying..

Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets… then it hit me.

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Mother to Johnny: “how was your exam, is all questions difficult?”
Johnny: “No mom, all the questions were simple, It was the answers which gave me all the trouble”!

A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196 of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

Interviewee: Tell me, why did you leave your previous job?”
Interviewer: The company relocated and they did not inform me where!

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

You May Also Like: Hilarious jokes

Funny Jokes Most Hilarious

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

If you wet your feet your throat will reject. If you ‘wet’ your throat your feet will reject.

Teacher: Name some countries?
Australian Kid: Australia..
Teacher: That is it?
Kid: Yes.
Teacher: Aren’t Africa, UK, US, India, Singapore, Europe countries?
Kid: Nope, They are not country, they are Foreign countries..

Q: What do you call a woman who will gives head for a pair of Jimmy Choos?
A: Head Over Heels

My ESL students try so hard and are so appreciative. One student paid me the ultimate compliment when she said, “You teach English good.” Another assured me, “I will always forget you.” And a third insisted, “I thank you from the heart of my bottom.”

A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says, “Make me one with everything.”

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel in his hat. The bartender says “Hey pirate, what’s with the paper towel?” The pirate replied “Arr, I got a bounty on me head!”

I’m starting a club to capitalize on Hipsters. its 10 dollars not to join.

My wife complained the other day that our kitchen clock almost killed her mother.
It fell seconds after where she had been sitting. That darned clock always was slow.

If women ruled the world there would be no wars.

Wars require strategy and logic.

I just saw two elementary school kids having a fist fight.
So as an adult I had to step in. They didn’t stand a chance.

I didn’t sleep very good last night.
So this morning I put Monster energy drinks in my coffee… I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my car.

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I need a Funny Joke – Funniest Jokes

Funny Joke is nothing but the arousing or provoking the laughter. It is an enjoyable distraction from any serious task and diverting the mind or contributing an extra dimension to it. Funny Jokes may be a short term experience which often incredible and aimless. So, here is the jokes under “I need a Funny Joke” to laugh out more.

I need a Funny Joke

I need a Funny Joke

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funny Jokes

I need a Funny Joke

I need a Funny Joke

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, “We have reached your destination”. The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said “Thank you”. The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked “What was that for?”. The 3rd guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, “We are family, even though you’re fatter than me.”

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”
“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”
“And smart, too!”

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

‘My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?’ “I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!” ‘

Lady: Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady: Don’t try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master: No Madam, I’m afraid it’s too heavy.

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

What’s Beethoven’s favorite fruit?…Ba-na-na-naaa!

A gynecologist tired of his profession, and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.

He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.

Wife: If I would have been married to a Monster, I would have been felt much better than with you… Man: But marriages are not allowed in same blood relation!!

When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. “It is really quite simple,” they said. “We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the muffler.”

Q: Did you hear about that new broom?

A: It’s sweeping the nation!

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I need a Funny Joke

I need a Funny Joke

I need a Funny Joke

Q: Why did the blonde keep doing the backstroke?
A: She just had lunch and didn’t want to swim on a full stomach.

It is only in Nigeria where you’ll see a notice board that says, “Job Vacancy: Man wanted with 40 years experience of work. He must be less than 25 years of age.”

A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”

The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeeeeooooouuuhhhh.” The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. I got a detention after asking which end!

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’ I asked.  ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

There is a blonde, brunette, and a red head running away from a bad guy and they decide to hide in a barn. They all quickly find hiding spots. The red head hides behind a cow, the brunette hides behind a horse, and the blonde hides behind a sack of potatoes.
The bad guy comes in and when he passes the cow the red head says “Moo!”. When he passes the horse the brunette says “Nay!” Finally he comes to the potatoes and the blonde says “PO-TA-TOE!”

Knock, knock. Who’s there? A little old lady. A little old lady who? I didn’t know you could yodel.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They’re relentless.”

“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean…!

Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store.

She asks him, “Can you go down to the grocery store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.”

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says, “Why in the world did you buy 6 gallons of milk?”

He responded, “They had eggs.”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

After many years, a prisoner is finally released.
He runs around yelling, “I’m free! I’m free!”
A little kid walks up to him and says, “So what? I’m 4.”

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone – “Get me a coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to, dumbo?”

“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the CEO of the company, you fool!”

The trainee shouts back, “And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!”
“No.” replied the CEO indignantly.

“Good!” replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

A snake kid asks his mom, “Mom, are we poisonous?” His mother says, “Why do you want to know?” The snake kid says, “because I just bit my tongue.”

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

“I called the wrong number today. I said ‘Hello, is Joey there?’ A woman answered and she said ‘Yes he is.’ And I said ‘Can I speak to him please?’ She said ‘No, he can’t talk right now, he’s only two months old.’ I said ‘Alright, I’ll wait.'”

You May Also Like: Funniest Jokes

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Really Funny Jokes – Crazy Fun Jokes

Funny Jokes of the day

Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Jokes in English

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Funny Jokes in Hindi

Funny Jokes in Punjabi

Funny Jokes in Telugu

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Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny One Liner is a joke which is delivered in a single line to make others laugh. It may be a short joke or a hilarious joke or a funny story. It is also said to be concise and meaningful. Many characters also deliver one liner jokes in the visuals who usually includes short and amusing remarks. So, here is the Funny One Liner Jokes to deliver it to the people in a different way and make them happy.

Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny One Liner Jokes

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Fun Fun Fun

Funny One Liner Joke

Funny One Liner Jokes

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure 
if I ever went there, I could get by.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Instead of “the John,” I call my toilet “the Jim.” That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

I failed my driver’s test today. The instructor asked me “What do you do at a red light?” I said “I usually check my emails and see what people are up to on Facebook.”

“I’ve been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.”

Every one of us has a friend, who says he’ll be in 5 minutes, but comes in two hours.

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

Of course he’s a dad, otherwise how would he have children to trade?

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Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny One Liner Jokes

I assume writing such headlines are the moments that you live for as a newspaper editor.

Moses has been guiding his people through the desert for 40 years. Looks like even at those times men were unwilling to ask for directions.

I’m not convinced about the popularity of Advent calender’s, I think their days are numbered.

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue.

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes..!

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

The hardest part about my grandmother’s death was – making it seem like an accident.

Why don’t cows understand what you say? Because it goes in one ear and out the udder

A Mexican magician says that he’ll disappear on the count of three.

“Worth remembering on Labor Day Americans get fewer vacation days than anyone else in the world -cuz its better 2b miserable than socialists!”

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

‘It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.’

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

More Funny Jokes:

Really Funny Jokes – Crazy Fun Jokes

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Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

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Funny Jokes in English | Will Make You Laugh

Funny Jokes is an enjoyable distraction for the body from any serious task and diverting the mind or contributing an extra dimension to it. The sense of humor progresses so does the fun. More-sophisticated funny jokes, riddles may suddenly seem hilarious. Get into the site of funny jokes to roll on the floor and laugh. These Funny Jokes in English will make you laugh.

Funny Jokes in English

Funny Jokes in English

Tell Me A Joke is a fun website with full of jokes. You can find Short Jokes, Funny Jokes, Hilarious Jokes, Kids Jokes, Love Jokes, Non-Veg Jokes, One Liner Jokes and Jokes in Other Languages. Tellmeajokes.com is the best place to have fun.

Funny Jokes

Funny Jokes in English

Funny Jokes in English

Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.”
Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!”
Doctor: “Nine.”

Girlfriend: Darling Give me your Diamond Ring.
Boyfriend: Why honey?
Gf: I’m going to miss you see it everyday.
Bf: You would remember me anyway.
Girlfriend: How’s that?
Bf: thinking that I had not given you that precious ring.

It was oral examination in the standard two. The class teacher asked various questions to the students. She asked Tom, ‘Can you tell me a name of an animal that starts with alphabet ‘E’?
Tom replied ‘ELEPHANT’
Teacher asked him again to name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘T’.
Tom replied ‘Two Elephants’
Teacher asked him the same question.
Tom replied ‘Ten Elephants’
Annoyed teacher, asked him name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘M’
Tom replied ‘Mother Elephant’
The angry teacher repeated the same question.
Cool Tom replied ‘May be an elephant’

Johny johny, Yes papa..!!!
Private job, Yes papa!
Lot of tension, Yes papa!
Too much work, Yes papa!
Family life, No papa!
Bp-sugar, High papa!
Yearly bonus, Joke papa…!!!
Monthly pay, Low papa!
Personal life, Lost papa!
Weekly off…, Ha Ha Ha….!!

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.
Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, ‘My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.’
Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, ‘Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!’

Police raided Kermits lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy. They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says “Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says “OK, now what?”

My new 1000 watt sound system is great! I can control the volume of my neighbor’s banging on my door.

Help-desk guy speaking to a lady user …
Help-desk : double click on “My Computer”.
Lady : I can’t see your computer..
Help-desk: No .. Click on “My Computer” on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer ??? !!
Help-desk : There is an icon labelled “My Computer” on your computer .. double click on it.
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer ?

A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer.
This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”

The man answers, “Now the problems start!”

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn’t eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,”oh, come on, let’s eat the sandwiches.” Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, “If you do, I won’t go!”

I feel bad for the people who change their birthday for April Fools Day and then their mom wishes them Happy Birthday 🙂

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Funny Jokes in English

Funny Jokes in English

Funny Jokes in English

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.
They can’t say “Get down!” anymore when the President is under attack.
Now it’s “Donald! Duck!”

Oh darling, since you’ve started dieting, you’ve become such a passionate kisser…
What do you mean, passionate? I’m looking for food remains!

NEW TEACHER- All students introduce your name and hobbies,
1st boy : My name is Pankaj and my
hobby is watching moon,
2nd boy : my name is Amit and hobby
is watching moon,
3rd boy: my name is Parmod & my
hobby is watching moon,
All boys told their different names but hobby
was same,
TEACHER : good all boys have same hobby,
Now its girl’s turn,
1st girl : hi my name is moon…

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three! It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me..what do you think about my Grandson!”

Cricket Fever
Husband was busy watching
Ind vs Pak match..
Wife Came in a New Dress & Asked Him: Main Kaisi Lag Rahi Hu ??
Husband Jumped, Clapped n Shouted
.
.
.
‘CHHAKKA’
.
.
.
.
.
.
His visiting hrs in the hospital are between 4 to 7!!

Girlfriend And Boyfriend Chatting On Facebook.
Girlfriend: “Please Stay Up, Just A Little Longer? I Really Want To Talk To You”
Boyfriend: “No, Sorry I Gotta Go
Girlfriend: “Pleeeeeeeeeeease?”
Boyfriend: “No, My Mom Said If I Don’t Go To Sleep Now She’ll Come Down Here And Bash My Head On The Keyboard yujehs Ndbhuji Dcb Fnekd Xnedj Ucdu Cedtmjg Tjmgjea“

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”

Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and heard (herd)?
If you don’t understand these, use your dictionary and look up the words “blind,” “deaf,” “saw,” “heard” and “herd.”

Funny Jokes in English

Funny Jokes in English

Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper.

Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have?
A: Baby tigers.

Q: Why is the number six afraid?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)

Q: How many legs does an ant have?
A: Two, the same as an uncle.
(HINT: ant = aunt)

Two friends visit a Stadium.

First: Why are all these people running?
Second: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
First: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?

“FRIENDS STAND BEHIND U DURING UR BAD TIMES”

Do u want a documentary proof ??
Okay,In future check out your marriage album..U’ll find all friends behind u !!!

NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. …..
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup…

Santa: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Jasmeet: I clean the toilet bowl.

Santa: How does that help?
Jasmeet: I use your toothbrush!

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins’ driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
“I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo,” shouted the first driver.
The second replied, “I did, but I had some money left, so we’re going to the cinema now.”

A customer ordered a cup of coffee in a restaurant! The waiter served the coffee. The customer found a fly in the coffee. He called the waiter.

Customer: How do I drink this coffee!
Waiter: Don’t you know how to drink a coffee?
Customer: Waiter, see, there is a fly in my coffee.
Waiter: Oh yes sir, you are right! There is a fly in your coffee.
Customer: Waiter, I said, there is a fly in MMY coffee (He stressed the word MY)
Waiter: Oh don’t worry sir, the fly won’t drink much!
Customer: Waiter, it is swimming in my coffee.
Waiter: Sir, do you want me to get a lifeguard for the fly sir?
(Annoyed) Customer: the fly dead, it’s irritating!
Waiter: I guess, it doesn’t know how to swim properly.
Customer: How do I drink this coffee?
Waiter: Don’t you know how to drink? I will teach you!

He drank the coffee! And said, this is how you should drink a coffee.

More Funny Jokes:

Really Funny Jokes – Crazy Fun Jokes

Funny Jokes of the day

Funny One Liner Jokes

Funny Short Jokes

Funny Jokes in English

Funny Jokes in Tamil

Funny Jokes in Hindi

Funny Jokes in Punjabi

Funny Jokes in Telugu

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Very Funny Jokes in Hindi | Short and Sweet Jokes

The Joke is a short comic piece of oral biography in which the funniness conclude in the final sentence. Laughing is the best medicine for the people in the world. Funny Jokes are well-defined narrative structure to make people laugh. Scientifically, it has been proven that laughing which heals mental as well as physical pain. Here are some Very Funny Jokes in Hindi.

Very Funny Jokes in Hindi

Very Funny Jokes in Hindi

Funny Jokes

शादी में इक खूबसूरत लड़की मुझसे कहने लगी:
“क्या आप डांस करना पसंद करोगे?”

मैने खुश होते हुए कहा:
“हां हां क्यों नही…”

लड़की बोली:
“तो फिर आपकी कुर्सी मैं ले जाऊँ?” 😀😛

वो लड़कियां भी किसी आतंकवादी से कम नही हुआ करती थी…
जो टिचर के क्लास मे आते ही याद
दिला देती है ..

सर आपने टेस्ट का बोला था…! 😛

पहला दोस्त : भाई कहाँ है ?
दूसरा दोस्त : shopping भाभी के साथ
पहला दोस्त : : लड़की कब पटाई ?
दूसरा दोस्त : नहीं यार भाई की Gf है ?
पहला दोस्त : और ये भाई कौन है ?
दूसरा दोस्त : तू साले 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

सांप लोट जाता है सीने पर जब शादी के कई साल बाद भी
ससुराल वाले कहते है “हमारी बेटी तो गाय है!!”

तू मेरे दिल में ऐसे समाई है,

तू मेरे दिल में ऐसे समाी है,

जैसे बाजरे के खेत में

भैंस घुसी चली आई है…

आज का ज्ञान: –
गर्मी में दारू दोपहर को पीनी चाहिए…,
क्योंकि अगर गिर भी जाओ तो लोग समझेंगे
चक्कर आ गया होगा… smile.png smile.png

बढ़ती हुई मंहगाई
और घटती हुई कमाई को देखकर ,
‪आधार‬ कार्ड नहीं,
बल्कि
उधार‬ कार्ड की जरुरत महसूस हो रही है|

Very Funny Jokes in Hindi

Very Funny Jokes in Hindi

Click here for Tell me a story

पति: अरे सुनो, मुन्ना रो रहा है चुप कराओ इसे।

पत्नी (गुस्से में):
मैं काम करू या बच्चे संभालू,
मैं इसे दहेज़ में नहीं लायी थी, खुद ही चुप करा लो।

पति : फिर रोने दे…
मैं कौनसा इसे बारात में लेकर गया था..:)

पत्नी :- आपको बस मे लोगों ने क्यूँ मारा?

पति :- अरे मेरे फोटो बस मे नीचे गिर गये और मैने कहा मेडम ज़रा साडी उपर कीजिए फोटो लेना है….

रत्न दिखाओ, आजकल वो ज्यादा ट्रेंड में है!! ——————————————- सैफ : जब अमरीका ओसामा को पाकिस्तान में घुस कर मार सकता है तो हम क्यों नही??? आलिया: पर वो…

Very Funny Jokes in Hindi

लड़की आधी रात को – गुड नाइट मम्मी
मम्मी – गुड नाइट
लड़की (गुस्से में) – गुड नाइट पापा
पापा – गुड नाइट
लड़की परेशान होकर – अरे गुड नाइट कहाँ है? मच्छर काट रहे हैं
अंग्रेजों की औलादों

लड़का: मां मैं कैसा दिखता हूं?
मां: अपनी गर्लफ्रेंड से पूछ ले।
लड़का: गर्लफ्रेंड नहीं है मां।
मां: तो खुद ही समझ जा।

अब ये अफवाह कौन फैला रहा है कि

…..
अफरीदी कल रात अनुष्का क घर
जाके पैरो में गिर गया।

……
“भाभी मान
जाओ , घर बसा लो। नही तो ये हमारे
भी उजाड़ देगा”।

पति: अरे सुनो, मुन्ना रो रहा है चुप कराओ इसे।

पत्नी (गुस्से में):
मैं काम करू या बच्चे संभालू,
मैं इसे दहेज़ में नहीं लायी थी, खुद ही चुप करा लो।

पति : फिर रोने दे…
मैं कौनसा इसे बारात में लेकर गया था..:)

अंकल : बेटा क्या करते हो?
लड़का : नारी सम्मान सेवा पर काम कर रहा हूं
अंकल : सोशल वर्कर हो?
लड़का : नहीं अंकल फेसबुक पर सब लड़कियों की फोटो लाइक करता हूं

बॉस नई Audi कार खरीद कर लाया… उसके कर्मचारी जब उसे नई कार की बधाई दे रहे थे तब उसने सभी को संबोधित करते हुए कहा –
अगर आप लोग कड़ी मेहनत करेंगे, समय पर ऑफिस आयेंगे, ओवरटाइम करेंगे यहाँ तक कि छुट्टी के दिन भी काम करेंगे तो यकीन मानिए…… अगले साल मैं इससे भी और बड़ी और बेहतर कार खरीद लूँगा … !!!

आज अमेरिका की लड़किया लड़ाकू विमान चला रही हैं और

हमारे देश कि लड़किया अभी तक ये पूछने में व्यस्त है की

” मेले बाबू ने खाना खाया ” 👄😘

Very Funny Jokes in Hindi

Very Funny Jokes in Hindi

You may also like Love Jokes in Hindi

दामाद अपनी सास से : आपकी बेटी में कोई बात ढंग की नहीं है 👹
सास : हाँ , बेटा मालूम है तभी तो कोई ढंग का लड़का नहीं मिला 😂😁😬😝😜

धणी- आज सजधज के कठे जा री से?
लुगाई- आत्महत्या करणे जा री सुं
धणी- तो इत्तो मेकअप क्यूँ करयो है
लुगाई- काल अख़बार म्हें म्हारो फोटू भी तो छपसी

मरीज: – मुझे बीमारी है कि खाने के बाद भूख नहीं लगती,
सोने के बाद नींद नहीं आती, काम करूं तो थक जाता हूं…!!!
;;
;;
;;
;;
;;
डाक्टर: – सारी रात धूप में बैठो ठीक हो जाओगे…. 🙂 🙂

पप्पू- मंगलसूत्र लटका हो तो लड़की शादीशुदा…..

पति : पानी पिलाओ

पत्नी पानी लेने गयी, तब तक पति सो गया ,
पत्नी सारी रात पानी का गिलास पकड़े खड़ी रही ,

सुबह जब पति की आँख खुली तो देख के बहुत खुश हुआ
और बोला मांगो क्या मांगती हो ?

पत्नी : तलाक दे दे कमीने!!

दोस्त : यार ये शादी का क्या मतलब होता हे ?
पप्पू : धूमधाम से खुद की सुपारी देना ……?
😃😃😃😜😜😜😏😏😔😔😒😳😳

अपना बिजनेस चलाने के लिए लोग किस-किस तरह के आईडियाज अपनाते हैं उसका एक नमूना यहां साफ देखा जा सकता है और इस चक्कर में वो मूर्ख भी बन जाते हैं और लोगों को मिलता है हंसने-हंसाने का मौका। हमने यहां कुछ ऐसी ही बेवकूफियां कलेक्ट की हैं, जो आपको जरूर हंसाएंगी… आगे की स्लाइड्स में देखें और भी मजेदार चीजें….

लाइन मारने के बहुत से तरीके
होते हैं, जिनमें से 3 प्रसिद्ध हैं: –
1. पेंसिल से
2. पेन से
3. मार्कर(Marker) से
अच्छा सोचो, कुछ लोग शरीफ़ भी होते हैं।
मेरी तरह….!😍😍😍😍😍

आज पड़ोसन से लड़ाई हो गई…
कह कर गई- दम है तो अकेले में आकर मिल…

तब से दिल परेशान है… साली धमकी देकर गई या फिर ऑफर दे गई….

ग़ालिब फरमाते हैं
चली जाती हैं आए दिन वो ब्यूटी पार्लर में यूं ,
उनका मकसद है मिसाले-हूर हो जाना।
मगर ये बात किसी बेग़म की समझ में क्यूं नहीं आती,
कि मुमकिन ही नहीं किशमिश का फिर से अंगूर हो जाना।

ज्यादातर लड़को का करियर तो वही खत्म हो जाता है
जब आगे के बेंच पर बैठी लड़की

पीछे मुड़कर स्माइल के साथ पेन / पेंसिल मांग लेती है.. 🙂 🙂

पप्पू की क्लास में टीचर ने बच्चो को समझाते हुए बोला, बच्चो, गरीबों से हमेशा प्यार से पेश आना चाहिए।
पप्पू एक दम से बोला: अच्छा, अब समझा।
टीचर: क्या?
पप्पू : तभी पापा नौकरानी को गले लगाते है,
मम्मी दूधवाले को और दीदी ड्राईवर को।

राहुल गांधी ने 2019 की तैयारी शुरू कर दी है…..
नारा है-: तूफ़ान के बाद बूंदा बांदी………… अबकी बार राहुल गाँधी 😜😜😜😜😜😜😜

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